What I've decided is that we have 3 resources in making decisions, our heart, our head and our gut. Different people tend to follow different things more often than others. To me, your heart is like the devil on one shoulder telling you to ignore the reason of the angel, or the mind, on the other shoulder. Then there's the truth and that's usually the gut feelings we have, that are typically ignored by most.
I have been thinking about a couple who are in a situation where the man has been accused of cheating. The signs are pretty disturbing and thus the mind is skeptical when the accused says that the rumors are false. The heart, of course, says to believe, to follow blindly. It's not that the heart is bad, it just wants what it wants with no concern for reason or consequences. Usually the heart just wants to be loved, to love and to believe in the good in people.
Confusion, no doubt, sets in when our resources disagree on a path. This is usually when people seek out therapy. They go, knowing already what the right answer is, what the gut tells them is really true, but hoping the therapist can make them feel better about their choice, which is usually the choice of the heart.
My point is this, ladies, and men too, 98% of the time, we know what the truth is but we deny it. Instead of making the hard choice in the moment, we deny and we go on to build up resentments towards each other; fights occur, things are said that can't be taken back. Then, it ends anyway, only with people hating one another, when it didn't have to be that way.
Don't get me wrong, I get it, I understand why this happens. Love, or the quest for love, mixed with our fear of being alone, it all defies logic. It makes us hang onto to things we don't want. It makes us do things we never thought we'd be capable of. Then, when kids are thrown into the mix, forget about it. The choice to change becomes that much harder. Not to mention the economy and years spent with a person. It all just adds up and so we stay in the uncomfortable place that has become our comfort zone.
Being a first-time parent is full of questions, worries and doubts. My husband and I often discuss the worry that we're not doing everything right. Finally, I decided that bad parents probably don't worry so much about doing everything right as we do. Thus, I think we're doing okay.
While I would like to say that there is no such thing as "bad" parents, the fact of the matter is that there are. There are very bad parents out there. I know we're not one of those. Our worries are more about making sure we're doing everything we can to raise a happy, healthy, well-rounded child. It's a lot of pressure.
Of course, I know that, no matter what we do as parents, all kids have problems. If you're poor, you resent not having money; if you're rich, you resent not knowing if people like you for who you are. If you're too loved, not loved enough; involved in too many activities or not enough; your parents push you too hard, or not enough, it is always something. That's okay though, it's the way it's supposed to be. It's our issues who make us grow as people; without them, what's the point. Without problems, we're all happy drones, which sounds great, but really...what would be the point of all this?
Sorry, got carried away. That's a whole other post. The point is, caring about your child's well-being is a good sign of being a good parent. Just something for those parents out there, going through the same things we are.
In all areas of psychology, Dream Analysis is probably where I feel most confident. Recently I was asked to analyze a dream regarding nudity in public. This is a common theme, but doesn't have to mean the same thing for everyone. It's funny really because often we're told that if we get nervous in public speaking to imagine others naked, but even the thought of the opposite scenario it makes us more nervous. I think the answer might be for us all to keep our clothes on.
The dream:
My grandparents would drop me off at this really cute old stone school. I would go in with a pink tutu, all happy to be wearing it. Then I would step through the door after my grandparents left and I would be naked! Embarrassed, I would be in constant search for it. At the end of the day I would go outside to get in the car, and I would be in my tutu again!My analysis:
What could this potentially mean if a child has a reoccurring dream like this? Especially a child who never even took ballet. Is this common?
It sounds like you feel safe and secure with your grandparents and that you're not so comfortable "in your own skin" when in public. It doesn't necessarily mean in school, but it could just be in public or away from your comfort zone, which is represented by your grandparents.
The fact that you're wearing a tutu could just represent a special childlike or princess feeling when you're within your safe zone. I would think it means you don't have that feeling otherwise.
I think this is very common. Usually a dream reoccurs to stress to you that it is important, but in this case I think you might just have this feeling often enough that maybe it's telling you that you need to work on feeling more comfortable with who you are all the time and not just when you're with your family.
This can be especially common if you're facing adulthood because leaving the safety of what you've always known, family and school, it can be very scary. Don't worry though, it all works out.
***So how'd I do? Just so you know I did get permission to use the dream in my post. So don't worry. Everything you guys write to me is not automatically shared with the world.
My aunt died today. She was the last of my Dad’s siblings. She was 86, so she had lived a long life. It’s sad though because it’s like losing another part of my Dad. There are so few people alive now who knew him.
It's just weird to think that when we're here, on earth, everything seems so important. We meet people, we do things and then we die and slowly everything you built falls apart. The people you knew forget or die and, in some ways, it's like you didn't exist.
You may wonder what this has to do with hoarding. Well, on a recent Obsessed, a man described hoarding better than I'd ever heard it done before. He said that things are to him like photos are to us. Every thing had a memory and could transport him to that time or place. Just like we would not throw out our precious photos, he didn't want to throw out these items.
For the first time, I completely understood where a hoarder was coming from. Especially when it came to his mother's things, who had passed a couple years before. Now, I do have OCD, but I am not a hoarder and yet I don't like to throw out anything of my Dad's. Like I was trying to explain before, losing someone makes you realize how short a lifespan really is. It feels important then for the surviving loved ones to hold on to the memories, as if to say, "Hey he existed!", "His life meant something.".
While I would like to rely solely on my memory, I know memory goes as we get older and so I hold onto the things to help fill in the blanks. For instance, I hold onto things with his handwriting because I may forget what it looked like. It doesn't matter if it's just a grocery list, it's now very important to me.
The fact of the matter is, there will never be another sheet of paper with his handwriting. There will never be another picture. There will never be another phone call. I think I mentioned before but I kept his messages on my machine and it's one of my greatest treasures. To hear his voice, saying my name, hearing his laugh... it's all that's left.
If you haven't lost someone close, you probably think I'm crazy but just wait. One day, we all understand.
For a long time, I didn't know what was at the root of this fear and then I realized it had to have been this old lady who always sent her dog after me when I walked in front of her house. I can just remember trying to get to my friends house down the street and this woman letting her big black dog out and him charging toward me. Mind you, I was only like 8 or 9 at the time and she did this on purpose.
My parents confronted her on this often, but she never stopped. I don't know if she was just a scared old lady or if she had malicious intent, but this woman's actions severely affected my life. I still cannot just walk a neighborhood street for fear that a dog may be on the loose. I have broken down in front of friends and boyfriends, to my embarrassment, whenever a dog comes around. It's kept me from going to homes where I know there is a dog. So, it's been a hindrance, to say the least.
I know it's something I need to face and get over, but add it to the list.
I just saw the movie, Fling with Brandon Routh and I think it proves why open relationships aren't ideal. While it's possible for people to convince themselves that it makes sense and maybe, on a primal level it does, because of the way our society is and who we've evolved to be, it is not what we truly yearn for. Yes, sexually, again this is on a primal level, we can be attracted to many people and may want to mate with several people. However, if that's your goal, then don't get in a relationship at all.
No matter what a person tells you, they do not want to share. It actually has less to do with you as it does our own self-esteem because no one wants their spouse to be okay with sharing you. Deep down, we all yearn most deeply to be loved and cherished. If your partner is willing to let someone have a piece of you, even if it is only for a short time, that says to you that you are not cherished.
And, again, we can convince ourselves it's okay because you're both doing it and it's a more realistic approach to relationships, or whatever you tell yourself. The fact of the matter is, we can convince ourselves of anything, especially when we have a partner in crime, telling you it's a good thing. It's when you get away from that partner and you see monogamous relationships and how others live that you'll have the pang in your heart telling you, you want more and that you deserve more.
I recently posted on the dispute between my sister and I. Now, you may ask yourself, shouldn't someone with a psychology degree be able to work things out between people? Well, let's get something straight, I am a firm believer in ridding yourself of toxic people in your life. For many years, I have felt like my sister is such a person. However, I also feel that family is very important and not to be taken for granted.
Unfortunately, my family has really fallen apart since my father passed. It's a very sad thing. I never would have imagined that things would have turned out like this. There was a time when we were all very close, closer than most; and now, we're all at odds.
I have, however, "made up", if you will, with my sister. I stayed true to my goal and I did not apologize. It just so happened that we ended up in the same place at the same time and we just didn't mention it. The relationship is still strained, and I know that there will come a time when my sister will bring it up again; but I've got more important things going on in my life than worrying about some ridiculous battle between my sister and I. Life's too short.
I was watching Dating in the Dark and I find it to be fascinating on many levels. Contrary to what you might think, there are times when it's the women who seem more superficial than the men. What I found interesting about the most recent episode was that there was a young, attractive man, ready to start a family who all 3 girls were drawn to in the dark. But when the lights came on and they saw his age or whatever it was, none of the 3 chose him. This begs the question, do women really know what they want?
Yes, he was young looking, but he was a nice guy who was ready to settle down and start a family, which is something most women say they want. When faced with it, however, these same women run for the hills. This is why it is said nice guys finish last because the truth is, women say it's what they want, but nice guys without drama scares them.
I think there's a lot of reasons why this happens.
1. I think women don't believe they deserve anything more than to get put down and abused in one way or another.
2. Sometimes it's not the man so much as it is that women don't believe they could be a good enough partner to someone who treats them right. Wanting a good partner means having to be a good partner.
The list goes on, but it all revolves around self-esteem. Everything in this society now has worked to repress women. We see images of what we should look like, we go to the stores to see that normal sizes are considered "plus". Every woman on TV now has so much botox that wrinkles will start to look like an oddity. So yes, we get down on ourselves and women fall in relationships with bad men who feed on low self-esteem, telling them they're ugly and can't do better. Usually these men are controlling and segregate the women from any positivity in their life so the negative is all they hear.
For instance, my niece has decided to marry a man/boy who has cheated on her, been in jail for stealing, who is banned from every person's house in her family and who she can't even stand. Her reasons, she tells me, is she isn't going to find anyone else who will put up with her and that he's the father of her children.
To this, I said, "Yes, he has sperm. It's the only thing he did right." What kills me is this is a girl who had everything going for her and who had her pick of men. How she ended up with, honestly, the biggest loser I have ever met, I do not know! He's not good looking, he's not smart, he's not funny and he has absolutely no common sense.
It would be one thing if it was just me who saw these things in him, but it is everyone, including her. She bad mouths him every time we talk. She says she dreads the honeymoon and in the same conversation she will tell me she's going through with it.
These are times when I'm glad I'm not a paid psychologist. It's not that I can't take hearing these things from people, but my advice only goes so far. They have to follow it and most of the times they don't. I see my niece making the biggest mistake of her life and I'm powerless.
Men are right about one thing, women are complicated.
My husband and my 10 year anniversary was last week, followed by his B-day, for which I threw a party. So, I've been super busy and haven't been to the gym in a week. I am down on myself about it even though it was unavoidable given the time restraints.
What was avoidable, though I wasn't successful, was the decadent dessert on our anniversary and the sweets and pop at the party. I did stay away from the birthday cake, but it wasn't hard considering I don't have the same tastes as my husband. For one, he doesn't like chocolate very much. I don't think I knew this about him when we married. It might have skewed my view of him if I had.
It's hard to want to get back to the gym now, but I know I'll have to force myself tomorrow. If nothing else, we paid for memberships and I'm too frugal to throw money away like that. I know I'm not alone in this struggle and there's some comfort in that.
I'd gladly welcome some encouragement. Lord knows, I need it.
