Basically, he began obsessing over death at a very early age and his brother said that he would be obsessed over getting things right and would want to constantly "start over". Well, that just struck a nerve with me because, when I was a kid, I was obsessed with starting over. I don't think I ever got through a game because I kept needing to start over, start over, start over.
Evan's parents seemed to do everything right. They were clearly concerned and tried to get him the help he needed. Unfortunately, it didn't have the happy ending I wish it had, on many levels.
Evan's uncle, on his father's side, had also committed suicide. They then had his grandmother, or his uncle's mother, on talking about her experiences of losing her son and grandson to suicide. Evan's father said that his son very much reminded him of his brother. I found it to be very interesting to see all the different sides of what depression and suicide can do to a family.
Having lost my brother to suicide, I have had some experience, though I cannot imagine what it would be to lose a child that way. I think Evan's brother said it best because he said, and I'm summarizing, but he said that every 15 year old has similar issues at that age. Though Evan felt things more strongly being bipolar, the indication was that if he'd given it time, problems that seemed like the end of the world, would have lessened the older he'd gotten.
I don't know if that's true for someone with manic depression; but in general, I think this is very true and that it just continues all your life. When you're a teen, it's about what your peers think, it's school, it's parents. In mid-life, it's money, jobs, material things and all of the things we struggle over, but none of it matters when we're old and grey.
Evan will never know that now. It's beyond sad. My heart truly goes out to that family.
Depression is something that effects so many. I know I've suffered from it as most people in my life have as well. My family, specifically, have had a long running history of severe depression. Four members of my family have been committed, two of which died in asylums. On top of that, I am one of the few of us who have not tried to commit suicide. In `96 my half brother succeeded.
Unfortunately, I had been living in a different state for 5 years and hadn't seen him in that time. Our relationship was always strained though because his mother, my dad's ex, and my dad didn't get along. It wasn't until after their son's death that they buried the hatchet. It's a shame it took something so devastating, but it happens all the time...sadly.
My brother (10 years older than me) had just had major brain surgery, was going through an ugly divorce and his wife was threatening to take the kids. Life definitely looked bleak, no doubt about that.
I still fight with depression now and then and fear I will always; but I know, from having been on this side of things, that suicide is not the answer. I have seen my brother's kids sparsely over the years. His wife did take the kids and left. They know little of who their father was as a result of not having his side of the family be more of a presence in their lives. That, to me is so devastatingly sad. It is, however, the chance that my brother took when he made the choice he did.
I always felt bad because my dad had told me he was depressed and asked me to talk to him, but I was 18 and had no idea what to tell him other than "join the club". I think because I was depressed too and felt his pain, I took his death hard. That, and I felt so much for my dad. It was one of the few times I ever saw my dad break down; not just cry, but really fall apart. Now that I have a son of my own, I can't imagine the pain he was feeling. Nor can I imagine not being able to see my kid grow up, which is something my brother wasn't able to do.
In lieu of all this, I would plead with anyone who's suffering, please talk to someone. If that person doesn't listen, keep talking. There is help out there.
It's getting to be that time again...my dad's birthday is coming followed shortly by the 3rd anniversary of his death. With him on my mind, I wrote a friend who's going through a very hard time. His father is ill and he's in a bad place. I thought I'd share it, because you never know, it may help.
I've been thinking about you and what you're going through. I hesitate in even telling you this because I know how it sounds. Please take me serious and remember who I am. I'm not a bible thumper, but when I was dealing with my dad's death... undoubtedly the most depressing time of my life, I listened to Kirk Franklin alot and it really helped. In fact, the day he died, the first thing I did was go to my dad's car and played the songs "My life is in your hands" and "more than I can bear". Please, for me, look up these songs and really listen to them.
It may be the last thing you thought you would ever do, but know there is great relief in letting "Jesus take the wheel".
As that song goes,
"Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do
this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on"
I know, I know this probably sounds cheesy, but we all hit places in our lives where we just feel so overwhelmed and it doesn't feel like it will get better. But then you realize it's out of your hands and you ask for help, from those around you and from Jesus, God, whatever.
I know you're in therapy, but you also know your behavior is counter-productive and you're sabotaging any chance of getting better. Drinking and all that only masks things and all the problems are still there in the morning. You need to face things and know things will get harder before they get better, but they will get better. It's just hard work.
Lastly, look up Kirk Franklin's song "Declaration" and let it be your anthem.
You don't have the right to give up on life and happiness. You have people, a wife and kids who all love you.
If the problem is a stressful job, give it up. It's not worth what it's doing to you. Your wife would rather you be happy than rich. If it's your dad, then spend the time with him, say the things that need to be said and let there be no regrets.
Life can be good again. I promise you. You have to believe it though.
After my posts on the effects of technology and drugs on people, you had to know music was coming. Now, I know people don't want to hear that music has anything to do with people killing themselves or others. I get that. People want to believe "we're all in control of our actions" and that "nothing makes us kill", right?
Well, what do you want to bet that these same people do believe in music as therapy and that music can enrich a child's mind? Without even thinking about the contradiction, people are willing to believe the positive of things they like (all things, not just music), but not the negative. As if not facing something makes it untrue.
Here's where I stand on the subject:
While I don't think music makes people do things in the truest sense of the word, I think it's ridiculous for people to deny that music heightens what a person is already feeling. Thus, if a person is depressed and they listen to depressing music, they become more depressed. Same goes for anger. You're mad so you crank up the most vile music you can to get your heart pumping even harder, and guess what? You get angrier. Strange how that happens.
Odds are that you've made some judgements about me for saying this and I assure you, you're wrong. I listen to and enjoy the most depressing, and the most vile music there is. I, like everyone, have times of great sadness and anger. This is why I know what I'm saying is true. I feel the effect music has on me.
I remember a time when I was particularly down as a teen. I was in my room, listening to depressing music, and my sister tried to get me to go out. I told her it wouldn't matter where I was, I would feel the same. As I got older, I realized that I would never know if the statement was true. I did know, however, that by staying there, listening to that music, I had no chance of coming out of the state I was in.
Again, I've also felt similar heightened states when I'm angry and I put on Static X or Godsmack, Anthrax, System of a Down etc, etc.
Of course, none of this made me hurt anyone, thank goodness; but I know there are people out there who are in more fragile places than even I've been and I can see how it might drive a person over that edge.
It's not that I think the music is to blame, but I strongly caution parents and even friends to pay attention to what your loved ones listen to. If you find a person listening to depressing music, shut off from the world, you drag their a** out of the house. You never know, maybe it will make the difference. Sometimes people want you to help without them having to ask, or even knowing that's what they want.
