Is a fight ever really what it appears to be? I recently got into an argument with my sister, about a month and a half ago actually. It was over something really stupid, but we haven't spoken since.
My niece doesn't understand why we're still fighting and has taken it upon herself to try and keep the peace. Peacekeeper is a role I know very well because it's usually mine. What she doesn't understand is that this role I've played all my life has led me to exactly where I am right now.
In my 31 years, I cannot remember a single instance when my sister has ever apologized to me. She hasn't had to because I always do it, whether I feel I'm right or not. I do it because my sister isn't the type of person who can just let something go and so to keep the peace I give in and apologize...usually.
This time, I've tried to call truce on this issue, but it's never good enough to just say "this is stupid, let's just move on". No, my sister insists I grovel even though I don't feel I'm wrong and it really is over something small. This is why I refuse to apologize to my sister. 31 years is a long time and I've simply had enough.
I don't explain that to my niece because she's too young and because it doesn't involve her, but this isn't about the fight anymore. This is about a lifetime of resentments towards my sister. So, to the observer, it looks stupid and it is, but you teach people how to treat you. Unfortunately, I've taught my sister a lesson it's now time to break.
Last night I dreamt about spiders and that wasn't so important as was the thought, within my dream, that I felt like I react to spiders like I do my mother. I woke, not knowing what that meant. All I did know was that I don't like spiders and I try to avoid them. So, before I got up and around, I stopped to reflect on why I would be having these same thoughts about my mom.
The thing about my mom is that she wasn't raised with a lot of affection and so she didn't give a lot. This didn't matter too much to me because I was very affectionate and would go to her when she didn't come to me. It wasn't until I got older that I resented that fact.
What I resent even more, however, is that my mom's side of the family is made up of a bunch of recluses who don't leave the house unless they have to. So, as a child, my mom never made an effort to do things with me. We never went to the park, except for the time when we were homeless and lived there. Which makes it understandable that, under the circumstances of our life at the time, fun wasn't her main priority.
Anyway, I don't like to think about these things because I know she did the best she could and I don't see the point to dwelling on it. However, I feel like I can't run from these things either and when they come up as they did in the dream, I think I need to face the truth of the situation that is my past.
So, after this soul searching, I naturally came to the conclusion that the dream wasn't telling me I needed to bash my mom. but it was warning me not to make these mistakes with my son. I say naturally because I let my mind wander and when I hit upon this conclusion, it felt right.
Being my mother's daughter, I am prone to wanting to be a home-body. This week, especially, was hard for me to get motivated and I didn't take the interest in my son that I should have. This dream was my wake up call. I believe we get several of these and, if we don't listen, then I think the world does something drastic to make us listen. I don't want that to happen and so it's time to get off my butt.
Lately, a lot of people from my past have been coming out of the woodwork. You'd think I'd won some money, but since that's not the case, I'm thinking this must be an age where people start wondering what if...
For instance, I recently saw pictures of a friend I grew up with and she was with another friend of mine. The pictures spanned years. The two are apparently still great friends. I can't help, but wonder if I would have been a part of this great sisterhood had I stayed in one place.
My family, however, moved when I was in middle school and then again after I graduated high school. This made it hard to keep any long-term friendships. Well, that and the fact that most of my real friendships were with guys and once they got married, the friendships took a back seat. That's the chance I took being friends with guys; but my history with girls is a rocky one, to say the least. This leads me to believe I probably wouldn't have had this sisterhood that I wonder about, but may explain why I would want it.
Now, any friends I've reunited with are spread throughout the country. There's a sadness in knowing what we had is gone. People who I used to confide in and once believed would be in my life forever are distanced with time and space. What there is now can never really be anything more due to the fact that we are all so far apart.
Making friends after high school was tough and being married made it even tougher. Any friends my husband and I have now are couples. Finding a couple that we both like is hardest of all. Sometimes, the effort feels like it's more than it's worth, but I do believe it's important to have someone outside your family just to keep you sane.
So I talked about my struggles now, It's time to talk about my goals.
To give you an idea of what I'm working with, here is a picture of me (in black) back in the day:
And as much as I hate to even show this, here is me now:
It's not that I expect to look like I did when I was young, though it would be nice. I will settle for being healthy and more energetic for my baby's sake. I especially don't want him to have the same eating habits I have now. So, that's it. I have to make a change for both my baby and myself.
Here's the plan in it's simplest form:
I have lost 5 pounds since I started working out 4 weeks ago now. Hey, it's something and I'm pretty happy about it given that I've been really pushing myself.
It's funny, after so many years of no one wanting anything to do with Michael Jackson; in his death he has been resurrected, in a sense. Now, he is the world's "King of Pop" once more. I actually understand this phenomenon because after losing my father, it seemed like all the negative things that surrounded his life didn't matter anymore. People only say nice things now. Even his ex-wife, who hated him in life, came to his funeral bawling. I say it's funny because I don't know what else to call it. Death definitely makes you look at life differently. All the things that seemed so important are put into perspective I guess.
The media, however, has no soul and thus they won't be satisfied until they've tarnished everything good about Michael Jackson... yet again. Why they need to dredge up his drug use, I don't know. He's dead and finding out why won't bring him back. Sure, maybe the doctors are responsible, but in this society, where the rich and famous live by different rules, we all know he would have gotten what he wanted from someone. If it was drugs, it was a choice he made. A mistake that he has paid for.
Why can't we let this man alone, at least in death because we sure didn't in life.
Recently a student contacted me and asked if I would take part in a project for school. I thought I'd share the questions I was asked and the answers I gave:
1. How did you get interested in psychology and dream study?
I started keeping a dream journal when I was 12. I had a dream so realistic and so disturbing that I wrote it down and hid it like a secret. I knew then that dreams were important. They could affect you. In fact, I still remember that dream vividly, 18 years later.
2. In practicing psychology, how crucial are a patient's dreams?
Dream Interpretation is a tool that can be used like any other. It's not crucial, but if you're good at interpretation, then I believe it's very helpful in discovering what's at the core of an issue.
3. How does a psychologist know how to accurately interpret dreams when there seems to be various interpretations of the same dreams?
I don't know that the psychologist actually interprets for a person though they can certainly have opinions. More so, I think a psychologist guides a person in discovering the meaning for themself. This, in some sense, is what psychology is all about. Who's to say any interpretations are "accurate", dream or not. It's all about guiding and when the answers right, it will click with the patient.
4. What do you believe is the true purpose of our dreams, if any at all?
The activities of the day often distract us from what is important in life. At night, we have to focus on what it is our mind has been telling us the whole time. So, I guess I think the purpose is to alert us to what needs attention or just reflection.
5. Do you believe people can derive symbols from their dreams? (ex: Can an apple just be an apple or does it always have to mean something else?)
I don't think that dreams are always literal, but they can be. I actually go more by the feeling of the dream. If the dream makes you feel sad, then I think it might have something to do with what makes you sad in the day.
6. What is the most interesting thing about dreams that you have come across during your career in psychology?
By far, the ability to control dreams through lucid dreaming has impacted my dream life greatly. I used to have nightmares all the time and once I learned to control my dreams, I took back my power. Of course, I have to already be in control during the day to control my dreams at night. Still, there's no feeling greater than being able to stand up to your nightmares.
7. Do you think people should really pay attention to their dreams?
I think many dismiss them, but many people dismiss psychology in general. I think that if you take your mental health seriously, then dream interpretation should be paid attention to.
8. Do you believe all dreams having some meaning?
I think there's a scale of importance and some dreams rank very low.
While I would like to say the 45 pounds I've gained since I met my husband is pregnancy weight, that would be a long pregnancy. Truth is, I've been steadily gaining over the last 8 years. It was mostly due to circumstances and ignorance in the beginning.
I'd always been smaller, not super "skinny" but happy with my weight; but I was also very active and worked at it. Then, we moved to a place with a gym, but didn't find out until it was too late that nothing in the gym actually worked. So, rather than join a gym, I told myself I could maintain my weight without working out. Turns out I was sorely mistaken.
Once I started gaining, I got depressed about it and ate as a means of soothing myself and it turned into this vicious cycle that I would have never believed I would be in.
I stayed at 160 for a long time, and I swore I'd never get bigger, but then I got pregnant. Now, I'm 10 pounds heavier than I was before I got pregnant and it has absolutely nothing to do with the baby weight. I actually did better when I was pregnant than I normally do. I only gained 35 lbs. I ate right, drank tons of water, and all that jazz. I then lost the weight I'd gained pretty immediately after having my 10 pound baby.
The problem is that I wasn't expecting to lose it that fast and it tricked my mind into thinking I had super metabolism. So I ate all the things I denied myself. I am definitely paying for the bad choices I made, but I'm finally taking steps towards rectifying the situation. My husband and I both joined a gym with a daycare for the babe. It's been 3 weeks now and let me tell you, I feel great.
The changes are small at this point; but for the first time in a very, very long time, I feel truly hopeful.
