Blog Psychologist

Be honest, I got ya interested with that title huh? Well, please read on because this is a tale of warning for all the kids who don't listen and the parents who don't force their kids to do what's best for them.

Basically, I had a lazy eye when I was a kid and was supposed to wear a patch over my good eye in order to strengthen the weaker eye. Patch, Pirate, get it now? Well, of course, no kid wants that target on their back and so I didn't wear it and my parents didn't make me either.

Thus, I am now legally blind in one eye and have migraines because that eye strains so hard to see. Turns out, that's the good news. The bad news, is that I have floaters that have floated down into my main field of vision, in my "good" eye. Then, yesterday, I went in because I am finding it hard to even read now and was told that surgery is too risky being that I only have the one eye that I see out of.

So, this is it. Apparently, I have to live with this, not knowing if I'll be able to read much longer because the floaters are only getting worse, not better like they act like they might. To some this might not even be a big deal, I guess, but I love to read. I love being on the computer and was just thinking of going back to school. It's a hard pill to swallow.

This leads me to why I chose the picture I did. That's me, when I was little. It's one of the few pics of me with my coke bottle glasses and where you can see my burn. It's a picture I think of often and it makes me sad. I just want to grab that girl, with all her problems, and hold her. Life's already been so hard for that girl and it doesn't get too much easier.

I wish this story had, or should I say has, a happy ending. I guess we shall see...bad choice of words.

I've been thinking about going back to school to get my Doctorate. It's a tough decision because I'm 32 now and feel like things have changed a lot since I was in school. I don't want to be the only person who prefers using paper over laptops, that sort of thing.

That, and I'm worried I wouldn't be able to keep up. I mean I'm a pretty intelligent person, but there's a whole mind set to being in school and learning under those conditions. I feel like my mind turned to mush after I walked out of school doors for the last time.

Still, I feel like I need to do it. When I first graduated, I thought I would take a short break and go back. Years have passed and it was okay because I told myself I wanted to be at home when I had kids. Now, I've had my son and think I might be done having kids. So, I'm left wondering what I will do when he goes off to school.

I am working on-line and have a pretty sweet gig being able to be home and enjoy my son. I just can't help but feel like I'm denying my potential. What kind of message is that to send to my son? I want him to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself.

Please feel free to share your stories. I can't be the only one in this position.

So, I last talked about trying to cope with death and it makes me wonder how well I've really done myself. Listening to this song, "You Will Make It Through" by Jem and it says:

Go to bed everything's alright
Don't know the whole world's changing
As you sleep through the night
Wake up slowly and it's a different world

Hear the news and the floods begin
Screams so loud but only felt within
Heart is shattered
The pieces can't be found

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, he would want you to

Months go by, still living in a daze
Don't know what you've done
With the last seven days
Soul is numb and life is like a dream

Helping hands but you push them away
How could they understand
Don't wanna share your pain
Afraid to heal, 'cause that would be goodbye

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, she would want you to

One day sunlight hits a photograph
And it makes you smile
The memories dance around you now
And they make you smile
You're not alone
You'll never be
Just like the stars
They oversee
And
they whisper to you
You're still, you're still,
You're still, you're still alive

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, they would want you to

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die

The last part is the poem I had added to my Dad's funeral cards. I put some of my favorite parts in bold. "Afraid to heal, 'cause that would be goodbye" that specifically struck me hard because it feels so true in regards to my Dad. I've been thinking about him alot being that my son just turned two and he wasn't here to see it.

It pains me to think how close he was to meeting my son. He died in `06 and my son was born in `07. I know it's not good to dwell on what can never be and yet at night, when I'm up alone, I let my mind go to those places. I try to play computer games and work on my blogs to keep my mind busy enough that I don't get down, but when I lay my head on the pillow, there's no distractions. I lie awake and wonder why, what if..., how could this happen to me and all of the other things that go along with that way of thinking. It's impossible to imagine if you haven't experienced a close death.

Having said that, I believe the positive message of the song as well, that we will make it through and that our loved ones would want us to. It's just so much harder than I could have ever imagined. I may have said it before, but I often feel like I need my dad here to help me through his death.