When faced with death upon death, it's hard not to question why, why people have to go and why there has to be so much suffering, but it's just like child birth. There's so much pain, but then the baby's out and there's joy. Once in Heaven, there's only peace.
There's a poem that says "death is our wedding with eternity" and I like that because it's like a beginning instead of an end.
Here is that poem by Rumi:
Our death is our wedding with eternity.
What is the secret? "God is One."
The sunlight splits when entering the windows of the house.
This multiplicity exists in the cluster of grapes;
It is not in the juice made from the grapes.
For he who is living in the Light of God,
The death of the carnal soul is a blessing.
Regarding him, say neither bad nor good,
For he is gone beyond the good and the bad.
Fix your eyes on God and do not talk about what is invisible,
So that he may place another look in your eyes.
It is in the vision of the physical eyes
That no invisible or secret thing exists.
But when the eye is turned toward the Light of God
What thing could remain hidden under such a Light?
Although all lights emanate from the Divine Light
Don't call all these lights "the Light of God";
It is the eternal light which is the Light of God,
The ephemeral light is an attribute of the body and the flesh.
...Oh God who gives the grace of vision!
The bird of vision is flying towards You with the wings of desire.
I know it's probably going to sound funny, but since my dad died, my husband and I have struggled to get back to a good place. One thing that helped and still helps us is the motto, if you will, "Low Expectations".
I look around me now and everyone I know is struggling. We struggle to get through the days, we struggle to make money, to have nice things, to be the perfect parent, to be liked, the list is never ending. So, just setting the bar a little lower and reminding yourself, it doesn't have to be perfect, we don't have to be perfect, it can help. I know it helps me.
Especially having OCD, alot of what I feel is this need for everything to feel right, whatever that means. I need to feel clean, to feel like everything is where it belongs, to feel like everything is okay. Sometimes I'll be washing and I'll get so consumed by this process, I'll repeat it over and over without even realizing. Finally, I stop and I say to myself, "low expectations, it doesn't have to be perfect" and it snaps me out of it. Without it, I wonder how long I would go, stuck in the cycle of mindless actions.
It all comes down to the same thing. Whether it's OCD or drugs or anorexia, or gambling, it's all the same. We feel our lives are out of control and so we turn to something to fill up that hole we have inside. I know that the real answer is to face the things we try to run from. I'm working on that now.
Basically, he began obsessing over death at a very early age and his brother said that he would be obsessed over getting things right and would want to constantly "start over". Well, that just struck a nerve with me because, when I was a kid, I was obsessed with starting over. I don't think I ever got through a game because I kept needing to start over, start over, start over.
Evan's parents seemed to do everything right. They were clearly concerned and tried to get him the help he needed. Unfortunately, it didn't have the happy ending I wish it had, on many levels.
Evan's uncle, on his father's side, had also committed suicide. They then had his grandmother, or his uncle's mother, on talking about her experiences of losing her son and grandson to suicide. Evan's father said that his son very much reminded him of his brother. I found it to be very interesting to see all the different sides of what depression and suicide can do to a family.
Having lost my brother to suicide, I have had some experience, though I cannot imagine what it would be to lose a child that way. I think Evan's brother said it best because he said, and I'm summarizing, but he said that every 15 year old has similar issues at that age. Though Evan felt things more strongly being bipolar, the indication was that if he'd given it time, problems that seemed like the end of the world, would have lessened the older he'd gotten.
I don't know if that's true for someone with manic depression; but in general, I think this is very true and that it just continues all your life. When you're a teen, it's about what your peers think, it's school, it's parents. In mid-life, it's money, jobs, material things and all of the things we struggle over, but none of it matters when we're old and grey.
Evan will never know that now. It's beyond sad. My heart truly goes out to that family.
So, I talked about the why of bad relationships. Now, we should discuss the what, as in what to do when you're in one? It doesn't have to be infidelity, it could be anything. Maybe your partner is a good person, but you're not in love with them, or you know you'd be happier on your own.
It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Sometime's things just are and when we deny that and try and force what isn't supposed to be, we're setting ourselves up for a life full of unhappiness and regrets.
Life's too short for us all to be so unhappy as we are. You might think you're doing your partner or even your kids a favor by toughing it out. However, if toughing it out means taking anti-depressants, drinking, gambling, cheating, eating, or whatever your vice is, then do you really think your family is better off? What message does that send to your kids?
Kids need healthy examples of what a relationships is supposed to be. The best question to ask yourself is "Would you want your child to be in a relationship like yours?". If the answer is "no" you should think real hard about the decisions you're making because I promise you, patterns do repeat. Staying in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship can doom your children to have a relationship just like yours.
Now, I'm not saying divorce is the answer. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. The answer is to get active. This is your life. You made the choices that led to where you are and it's you who has to fix things. It's not enough to blame your partner for everything. Your partner may be at fault, but you can only control yourself. If it isn't working between you, and you can't get your partner to meet you half way, leave. Don't just threaten it with no intention of follow through, but actually do it. Make the hard decisions in life that will lead to real change if you know it will make you happier in the end. If you're happy, your kids will be happy and even your partner will eventually be happy again.
If, however, your partner is willing to support you and to work on things, then that's half the battle. In that case, maybe it is just a matter or re-assessing things and changing your attitude. Often times, people focus so much on all the little negatives instead of the big positives. You have to become aware of those little negative thoughts and decide to fight them. Think positive, even if it is a fake it `til you make it scenario. Eventually, you will have trained your brain to push the negative thoughts out on it's own.
If you believe things can work out, then they probably will, and vice versa. Life doesn't have to be as hard as we make it. Sometimes it helps me to think about what it is that will be important on my death bed and I realize it's not money or how clean my house is. It can really put things into perspective.
