Blog Psychologist

I'm reading Deepak Chopra's "The Path to Love" because I've been trying to work out things from my past in hopes of healing. I know that self love is important, if not the most important thing, but I think I lost it somewhere along the lines.

In this book, Deepak talks about psychological healing versus spiritual healing. He says that we are made up of love and that the negative thoughts and feelings we have towards self isn't who we are. He goes onto suggest that when you have these feelings, you actually tell yourself, "this is not me". I don't know, it sounds silly now that I'm writing it, but I've been doing it and I think it helps. I talked before about mantras and monitoring of negative thoughts. This helps point out and to deny these thoughts access.

This is important for me because I can be extremely negative. I actually think some of that stems from the fact that positivity didn't always go over well in my family. If you felt good about yourself, you were cocky; if you did well, you were gloating. It was almost instilled in us that you don't talk about the good things in your life. It's pretty pitiful existence to be honest. The good news is, I am an adult and don't have to be confined to that way of thinking, which is exactly why I'm trying very hard to break the habit. Wish me luck.

So, I talked about the why of bad relationships. Now, we should discuss the what, as in what to do when you're in one? It doesn't have to be infidelity, it could be anything. Maybe your partner is a good person, but you're not in love with them, or you know you'd be happier on your own.

It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Sometime's things just are and when we deny that and try and force what isn't supposed to be, we're setting ourselves up for a life full of unhappiness and regrets.

Life's too short for us all to be so unhappy as we are. You might think you're doing your partner or even your kids a favor by toughing it out. However, if toughing it out means taking anti-depressants, drinking, gambling, cheating, eating, or whatever your vice is, then do you really think your family is better off? What message does that send to your kids?

Kids need healthy examples of what a relationships is supposed to be. The best question to ask yourself is "Would you want your child to be in a relationship like yours?". If the answer is "no" you should think real hard about the decisions you're making because I promise you, patterns do repeat. Staying in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship can doom your children to have a relationship just like yours.

Now, I'm not saying divorce is the answer. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. The answer is to get active. This is your life. You made the choices that led to where you are and it's you who has to fix things. It's not enough to blame your partner for everything. Your partner may be at fault, but you can only control yourself. If it isn't working between you, and you can't get your partner to meet you half way, leave. Don't just threaten it with no intention of follow through, but actually do it. Make the hard decisions in life that will lead to real change if you know it will make you happier in the end. If you're happy, your kids will be happy and even your partner will eventually be happy again.

If, however, your partner is willing to support you and to work on things, then that's half the battle. In that case, maybe it is just a matter or re-assessing things and changing your attitude. Often times, people focus so much on all the little negatives instead of the big positives. You have to become aware of those little negative thoughts and decide to fight them. Think positive, even if it is a fake it `til you make it scenario. Eventually, you will have trained your brain to push the negative thoughts out on it's own.

If you believe things can work out, then they probably will, and vice versa. Life doesn't have to be as hard as we make it. Sometimes it helps me to think about what it is that will be important on my death bed and I realize it's not money or how clean my house is. It can really put things into perspective.

What I've decided is that we have 3 resources in making decisions, our heart, our head and our gut. Different people tend to follow different things more often than others. To me, your heart is like the devil on one shoulder telling you to ignore the reason of the angel, or the mind, on the other shoulder. Then there's the truth and that's usually the gut feelings we have, that are typically ignored by most.

I have been thinking about a couple who are in a situation where the man has been accused of cheating. The signs are pretty disturbing and thus the mind is skeptical when the accused says that the rumors are false. The heart, of course, says to believe, to follow blindly. It's not that the heart is bad, it just wants what it wants with no concern for reason or consequences. Usually the heart just wants to be loved, to love and to believe in the good in people.

Confusion, no doubt, sets in when our resources disagree on a path. This is usually when people seek out therapy. They go, knowing already what the right answer is, what the gut tells them is really true, but hoping the therapist can make them feel better about their choice, which is usually the choice of the heart.

My point is this, ladies, and men too, 98% of the time, we know what the truth is but we deny it. Instead of making the hard choice in the moment, we deny and we go on to build up resentments towards each other; fights occur, things are said that can't be taken back. Then, it ends anyway, only with people hating one another, when it didn't have to be that way.

Don't get me wrong, I get it, I understand why this happens. Love, or the quest for love, mixed with our fear of being alone, it all defies logic. It makes us hang onto to things we don't want. It makes us do things we never thought we'd be capable of. Then, when kids are thrown into the mix, forget about it. The choice to change becomes that much harder. Not to mention the economy and years spent with a person. It all just adds up and so we stay in the uncomfortable place that has become our comfort zone.

I just saw the movie, Fling with Brandon Routh and I think it proves why open relationships aren't ideal. While it's possible for people to convince themselves that it makes sense and maybe, on a primal level it does, because of the way our society is and who we've evolved to be, it is not what we truly yearn for. Yes, sexually, again this is on a primal level, we can be attracted to many people and may want to mate with several people. However, if that's your goal, then don't get in a relationship at all.

No matter what a person tells you, they do not want to share. It actually has less to do with you as it does our own self-esteem because no one wants their spouse to be okay with sharing you. Deep down, we all yearn most deeply to be loved and cherished. If your partner is willing to let someone have a piece of you, even if it is only for a short time, that says to you that you are not cherished.

And, again, we can convince ourselves it's okay because you're both doing it and it's a more realistic approach to relationships, or whatever you tell yourself. The fact of the matter is, we can convince ourselves of anything, especially when we have a partner in crime, telling you it's a good thing. It's when you get away from that partner and you see monogamous relationships and how others live that you'll have the pang in your heart telling you, you want more and that you deserve more.

Talking about marriage, along with compromise, honesty is by far one of the most important factors to a successful relationship. I've been thinking about honesty a lot lately in trying to analyze myself and what's important to me. Honesty has, in my adult life, been of the utmost importance to me. When I was a kid, I lied alot, but every night I would come and confess these lies along with whatever else I felt bad about to my mom.

I wondered for a long time why I did that because my family wasn't Catholic, not even religious really. Then, pretty recently, I was talking to my therapist about it and she linked it to my OCD by saying that confessing made me feel clean. I need to feel clean, that's big for me and so for her to link that together just made so much sense.

Now, I know what you're thinking, you hear clean and you think I feel dirty therefore I was probably sexually assaulted. This is not the case. If it were, I would admit to it. I might as well, I'm admitting to everything else. My OCD, in general, isn't something I share with a lot of people.

I don't know where this idea of dirty/clean came from and why it plays such a role in my life. I do, however, know that honesty was something my mom put a lot of value on. If you were dishonest she would be disappointed and I never wanted my parents to be disappointed in me. I think this was because they fought alot and I always, to this day, think I caused a lot of it. It's crazy to me that I still think that because I know better, but that kid inside me still doesn't.

To be disappointing, to be a problem, in our already chaotic life was something I tried so hard to avoid. I wanted to be good and I think I was a good kid, comparatively. Oddly enough the good kid never gets the attention, not with a troubled rebel as a sibling. I understand it, why my sister acted out, why my parents had to give her more attention, why the good kid gets pushed to the background, and yet it still sucks.

Life is so much about those realizations that life just isn't fair.

There are tons of articles on love and relationships, but I recently came across 8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage on Redbook Magazine's website and it pretty much covers it. The 8 things are as follows:

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?
2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.
3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).
4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that's okay.
5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.
6. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying
to get it right.
7. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.
8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.

I know so many people who are looking for the "perfect partner". Unfortunately, they seem to pay no mind to whether or not they are an equally perfect partner. It makes sense doesn't it? I mean let's say you find this person, you have to ask yourself, what will they see in you?

For instance, I cannot tell you how many over-weight guys I've met in my life, who only date skinny girls. What is that about? These are the same guys who want virginal girls when they, themselves, are complete ...well...sluts. Let me tell you something guys, a virginal girl won't want you and whatever diseases you bring to the table.

Maybe you're hoping for a person to clean when you're a slob...well opposites do attract, so maybe that will happen, but why should it? Why should you get away with being half par, but expect so much from a partner?

Perhaps, instead of thinking about what you want, you should be thinking about what you want to be.

When I watched Baby Borrowers, I thought it was a great idea to teach teens they were not ready for children. However, I didn't get why they would have them look after the elderly. Turns out, it was a great lesson on relationships because the elderly have been through it all. While, I don't think teens need to worry about getting in serious relationships so young, I think it's important to understand that all relationships in their life will be hard work.

My husband, Brandon, and I have been together for 9 years now. We met when he was 18 and I was 21.
Ah, so young and so in love. I don't know if it was "love at first sight", but we were definitely drawn towards one another. Even though he wasn't my type and, on the surface, we were complete opposites, we just hit it off right away.

I remember telling my mom, after only the second time seeing him, that he was different. How right I was. Though, like I said, we were very different from one another, it was like he saw something in me that no one else saw and vice versa. So, while I'd like to say that I have some great knowledge on how to find love and what it is exactly, the truth is that I was lucky.

All I know is that I was in a good place in my life. I was more independent than I'd ever been, feeling great about where I was headed, and not worrying myself with "looking for love". That is when, my mom always said, you find it.

The other thing is that I had decided that I had to think positive. If you think that you're only going to meet dogs out there, then that's what you're going to meet. You have to believe that there are good guys and girls out there still.

In my experience since, I realized finding love was the easy part. The hard part comes when you move in together. Wow, no matter how well you might get along before that, the true test is when you pool your finances and start making everyday decisions together.

That, like all transition periods in a persons life, is a hard time. Unfortunately, I think too many people give up during this period. They run back to their comfort zone and wonder why relationships never work out. The fact of the matter is that, not every person is going to be the right person for you; but if you find the person you want to be with, you still need to expect that it will be hard. If you give up too soon, then it won't matter what person you are with, relationships won't work out. Easy relationships, with no bumps along the road, don't exist.

If you truly love someone, then you put the work in and reap the benefit, like with anything else. Just make sure that the other person is willing to put as much effort in as you. One sided relationships never work out well. There has to be compromise, trust and communication for a healthy relationship. Don't get me wrong there are plenty of relationships that last a long time without those things, but mind you that I said "healthy". That's the goal, to be mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy. Happiness follows.