Being a first-time parent is full of questions, worries and doubts. My husband and I often discuss the worry that we're not doing everything right. Finally, I decided that bad parents probably don't worry so much about doing everything right as we do. Thus, I think we're doing okay.
While I would like to say that there is no such thing as "bad" parents, the fact of the matter is that there are. There are very bad parents out there. I know we're not one of those. Our worries are more about making sure we're doing everything we can to raise a happy, healthy, well-rounded child. It's a lot of pressure.
Of course, I know that, no matter what we do as parents, all kids have problems. If you're poor, you resent not having money; if you're rich, you resent not knowing if people like you for who you are. If you're too loved, not loved enough; involved in too many activities or not enough; your parents push you too hard, or not enough, it is always something. That's okay though, it's the way it's supposed to be. It's our issues who make us grow as people; without them, what's the point. Without problems, we're all happy drones, which sounds great, but really...what would be the point of all this?
Sorry, got carried away. That's a whole other post. The point is, caring about your child's well-being is a good sign of being a good parent. Just something for those parents out there, going through the same things we are.
Last night I dreamt about spiders and that wasn't so important as was the thought, within my dream, that I felt like I react to spiders like I do my mother. I woke, not knowing what that meant. All I did know was that I don't like spiders and I try to avoid them. So, before I got up and around, I stopped to reflect on why I would be having these same thoughts about my mom.
The thing about my mom is that she wasn't raised with a lot of affection and so she didn't give a lot. This didn't matter too much to me because I was very affectionate and would go to her when she didn't come to me. It wasn't until I got older that I resented that fact.
What I resent even more, however, is that my mom's side of the family is made up of a bunch of recluses who don't leave the house unless they have to. So, as a child, my mom never made an effort to do things with me. We never went to the park, except for the time when we were homeless and lived there. Which makes it understandable that, under the circumstances of our life at the time, fun wasn't her main priority.
Anyway, I don't like to think about these things because I know she did the best she could and I don't see the point to dwelling on it. However, I feel like I can't run from these things either and when they come up as they did in the dream, I think I need to face the truth of the situation that is my past.
So, after this soul searching, I naturally came to the conclusion that the dream wasn't telling me I needed to bash my mom. but it was warning me not to make these mistakes with my son. I say naturally because I let my mind wander and when I hit upon this conclusion, it felt right.
Being my mother's daughter, I am prone to wanting to be a home-body. This week, especially, was hard for me to get motivated and I didn't take the interest in my son that I should have. This dream was my wake up call. I believe we get several of these and, if we don't listen, then I think the world does something drastic to make us listen. I don't want that to happen and so it's time to get off my butt.
I realize my last post may have put a bad light on my father, but I do want to say, my father was a good father. Maybe he wasn't a good husband or a good friend, I don't know; but he was a good father...a great father!
He never abused me, but he could be cruel to others around me. As a kid, not understanding everything going on, specifically not understanding the part my dad was playing in things, I thought my mother was actually the one to blame for everything.
All I knew was that I loved my father more than anything in the world and yet my mother seemed, at times, to despise him. I didn't understand, until I got older, just why my mom was truly upset all the time. I just knew she was mean to my dad and put him down every chance she got.
Now this is important, because for all those parents out there who put down their spouse in front of their kids, I can offer some perspective. As a kid who had this happen, I can tell you, my mom might as well have been putting me down because I took everything she said about my dad personally. He was my dad, I loved him and he was part of me.
I grew up feeling like I was a bad person because my dad was a "bad person". For a lot of years I was like a guard dog, defending my dad and myself to anyone who put him down. Although I was close to my mom, it kept a distance between us.
Of course, like I said, I understand now. My dad was abusive and my mom was in an impossible situation. Still, I think both people should have handled things differently. I guess there are good and bad sides to us all.
My son is now 17 months old now and we're trying to make the ever so important decision of whether or not to have a second child. With my age being a factor, if we were going to have another child, it should be soon. I'm going to be 32 this year and I don't want to be having kids past 35 for sure.
My mom was 34 when she had me and that was fine, but my dad was 40 and it was almost too old for my liking. I realize a lot of people are still having kids when they get older, but as a child of an older parent, it sucked. Sorry parents, but that's the truth of it. It sucked having kids think my dad was my grandpa and, more than anything, it sucked losing him so early in my life. Of course, having kids young is no indicator that you'll be around to see them grow up, but it can definitely heighten the chances. Oh what I would give to have had just another 10 years.
Mind you, I was no spring chicken when I had my son, but it wasn't that we weren't trying. We just left the timing up to God and I think it happened as it should, as does everything. Second time around though, would have to be different because, like I said, age is a factor.
There are many factors to consider this time. For instance, the proper spacing between children. I definitely want my son to have his time, but I would also want them to be close enough in age to enjoy one another. My sister and I are 11 years apart and it was more like having 2 mothers. It wasn't good to say the least.
Then there's the question of sex. Of course, we shouldn't care, but I would almost prefer another boy for the simple fact that I believe same sex siblings are usually closer. I know there are exceptions, but I haven't seen them in my own life.
I guess the truth is that if we have another child, a big reason would be so my son would have a sibling and will hopefully share a strong bond. There is no guarantee though and so I wonder if we should stop. My worry is that he will feel shorted.
Having so much distance between my sister and I, it was like I was an only child. My husband was an only child, but later gained step siblings. So it's like we both understand to some extent but then we do still have someone to fall back on now.
When I say fall back on, I am thinking of times of needing someone. I don't know what I would have done when dealing with my dad's death without my sister. Of course, my son could always have good friends, but friendships aren't a strong point for my family. We have always been very closely knit and though I've had great friendships, they aren't who I lean on in times of need.
It's all a lot to take in and consider. I would love to hear from some only children to know if there is resentment there. I don't know, maybe it's that we always want what we don't have.
I thought this post my help me sort some things out along the way, but I'm no closer to making a decision. One question only needs to another.
Now that I have a son, my mind runs rampant with things to come. For instance, I was watching one of those reality shows that flood tv nowadays and saw a kids room with Bob Marley posters all over the wall. Now, while I'd like to think the kid simply respected Bob Marley's ideals, I'm thinking the truth had something more to do with drugs.
It got me wondering what the kid's parents thought of the situation. I mean they have to know what that means, right? Are they okay with that? Even if a parent secretly holds the belief that pot isn't the worst thing in the world, shouldn't that be kept a secret? Shouldn't parents discourage it in their children, even if they, themselves, partook?
Personally, I never did. Mind you, I hung out with plenty of people who did, but I always saw that as a great reason not to. I saw the way my friends acted and knew that wasn't for me. I like to be in control of myself and to think clearly. Now, I didn't care that they did it, but when it comes to my son, I might mind. I'm not sure yet. What I do know is that even if I don't really mind, I will discourage it because I think that's what a parent should do.
I know it sounds prudish, but I don't think that I am. I actually think pot should be legal. I just don't know that we should encourage our youth in such practices is all.
Okay, I wasn't going to comment on this, but it's gotten so ridiculous that I have to say something. While I understand that people think it is crazy for a single woman struggling to make it with 6 children to go and have another 8 that she has no means to take care of. I just cannot condone the things that are being said to and about Nadya Suleman and her children. I mean she has received messages from people saying that they hope she and her children die.
This is crossing the line. I cannot wrap my mind around someone being so irate that they would wish something so horrible on children. They are innocent in this, and whether you like Nadya or not, these children need help. Here is Nadya's website where you can donate if you would like.
Last time I checked we live in a society that does not put restrictions on how many children you can have based on your income or even mental competency. Freedom is not something that you can pick and choose, we either love that about our country or we don't. Nadya is free to have as many children as she would like, just like we are.
Personally, I think she has some issues, but don't we all? By all accounts she is a very loving mother and I don't think that's anything to scoff at. Now, by no means does this mean that I agree with her choices. I find I don't agree with a lot of choices people make, but I don't think we should be so quick to chastise.
Besides, I think this is all misplaced anger that we have toward the government and those who have put our society in a state that we should put such importance on money over people. If we want to get upset over ignorant choices that have caused the downfall of our economy, this woman with 14 kids should not be the target.
I say the word "blessings" or "blessed" often, not because I'm extremely religious, but because it describes how I feel about my life perfectly. I, honestly, don't know that I've done anything in this life that was deserving of the wonderful things that have happened to me. Mostly, I mean my family. I have an amazing husband, and now an amazing son..jpg)
Every time I look at my baby, I think about how lucky I am to be able to stay home and take care of him. I know that there are a lot of mothers out there who would love to be in my position. I truly sympathize because even the thought of having to leave him with a sitter makes my heart ache. Though my husband has the security of knowing the baby is with me, I know he hates having to leave him as well.
I realize I may sound a little over the top, but I assure you I'm not. My husband and I were together for 8 years before we had our baby and we were very accustomed to an independent lifestyle. I used to think how ridiculous those people were who had to call and check on how their baby was doing in the middle of dinner. Now, I understand. Sometimes it can get so hard during the week. All I can think is about getting a break; but as soon as I'm away from my baby, I miss him. Even I think that's crazy.
I don't know how people do it except that they have to. With the economy the way it is, families need two incomes just to survive. That's assuming there are two incomes to have. Nowadays, there are so many parents out there, going it alone. My hats off.
Don't get the wrong idea, I am not wealthy by any means. I work from home and I do okay. Mostly my husband and I have simplified our lives to the point that we don't ask for much. Yet our lives are full and I'm thankful.
I think that it's important to say that once in awhile, so you don't forget the ... Blessings!
I haven't talked much about it with most people around me but I have been back in therapy and have been put on meds for postpartum. I guess I started feeling down a couple months after I had my baby boy. I told my family doctor and she put me on Zoloft. That wasn't really working for me so she combined it with wellbutrin and that made me feel real drugged, which I hated.
I then decided I would try and talk it out with a therapist but she immediately put me on Cymbalta and some other anxiety med, I forgot the name. It wasn't what I wanted but she and her colleague was sure I was suffering from postpartum and that I needed something more than therapy. I actually agreed because I knew I wasn't myself.
I was feeling really agitated all the time and could be overcome by feelings of rage towards people when they had done nothing to cause it. So, for my baby's sake, I knew I had to do something. Luckily, I never had bad feelings towards him, nor did I take my anger out on him, but I knew I was losing control fast and was scared of what would happen.
I had heard of postpartum before, like most, but it wasn't until I saw Brooke Shields talk about it so candidly on Oprah that I realized the gravity of it. In fact, if I hadn't seen that show, I may not feel like I could even share this; but I think Brooke Shields was so brave and she really helped me realize that I'm not alone. So I feel it's very important that I do share my story.
As it is right now, Cymbalta is really helping and I'm feeling great. I know that, even though I'm on medication, this is how I should be feeling and not like I was before. That wasn't me and I knew it then but I was in a dark place and it took me having a near breakdown to get help.
I decided to stay in therapy and work on some issues I am having adjusting to having a baby, after 8 years of it being just me and my husband. I'm also working on issues with my OCD. I do like my current therapist, which if you've read my history, you know I've had problems with before.
If you feel like you are having similar problems, I strongly suggest talking to a doctor because this isn't something you should try and get through on your own. I think my case is pretty mild in comparison to a lot of cases we've heard about in the media. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't get the help they need and it can have fatal consequences.
If you're having thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby, you need to reach out to those around you for support. Tell them and tell them again if they don't listen the first time. That's one problem I had was that I felt like I told people and they didn't take me as seriously as they should. Unless you're going through it, you don't know, but pride has to be put on the shelf in order to keep you and your baby safe. So scream it if you have to. Feel free to email me if you just want to talk. You're not alone.
