It's been awhile since I last wrote--one, because I was busy and two, because I've been in a weird place... mentally. A lot of changes are coming my way and I don't do well with change. In one of my many therapy sessions it was made clear that I fear change because changes have not been good ones in the past. I associate change with loss and instability. Stability being my #1 priority in life.
I am trying desperately to observe the feelings that are coming up for me without letting them drag me down into depression, which is a state that feels comfortable to me. I get depressed and I know it's bad to give in but then I go into this defensive, "I don't give a f***" zone and do it anyway. Now though, I have my son to think about and so it's not like I can just lie around feeling sorry for myself. I have to do better because he deserves better.
I'm actually doing pretty well. I think with the new year, I have new hopes and new resolutions. One resolution being to let go and let God. I know that I need these changes because I don't want another year like the last in that I'm stagnant and it's ridiculously clear that I'm not living up to my potential. Happiness does not grow in a place like that and I am determined to find my happiness again.
I did a vision board to try and motivate me and I have a new mantra, "I'm a closer". I like it because it's powerful and it's something that was true of me once. I'd like it to be true again.
On my board, I have "parties" but it's just that I like to throw parties but I have shied away from entertaining in the past. Hopefully, one day, that will change. Oh and I know I have the no OCD right under Mr. Clean, but what I want is a clean home without feeling like cleaning rules me.
I'm still working on my board but it's been good because it really makes you focus on what you want for your future. You may think you know but then sit down to do and go blank. I'd suggest everyone try it.
For a long time, I didn't know what was at the root of this fear and then I realized it had to have been this old lady who always sent her dog after me when I walked in front of her house. I can just remember trying to get to my friends house down the street and this woman letting her big black dog out and him charging toward me. Mind you, I was only like 8 or 9 at the time and she did this on purpose.
My parents confronted her on this often, but she never stopped. I don't know if she was just a scared old lady or if she had malicious intent, but this woman's actions severely affected my life. I still cannot just walk a neighborhood street for fear that a dog may be on the loose. I have broken down in front of friends and boyfriends, to my embarrassment, whenever a dog comes around. It's kept me from going to homes where I know there is a dog. So, it's been a hindrance, to say the least.
I know it's something I need to face and get over, but add it to the list.
