There are tons of articles on love and relationships, but I recently came across 8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage on Redbook Magazine's website and it pretty much covers it. The 8 things are as follows:
1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?
2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.
3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).
4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that's okay.
5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.
6. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying
to get it right.
7. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.
8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.
I feel this it's important to hear these things because too many times people try and put on this facade that everything's peachy and then you're left wondering if you're the only couple to experience these things, when the truth is that we all feel these things. This is true of many things and not just marriage. In fact, I'm finding that some of these "8 things" could just as easily refer to parenting.
Considering I've been with my husband 10 years and only have a 20 month old baby, I'm a bit more of a novice when it comes to parenting. I sure wish someone would have stressed certain negativity's to me before I got pregnant. Not that I wouldn't have had a baby, but maybe I could have been more prepared for just how great a sacrifice it truly is.
As I've mentioned before, I suffered from postpartum afterwards. Luckily Brooke Shields had come out about that or I might not have gotten help so quickly as I did. That's exactly what I'm saying, just knowing we're not in it alone helps immensely.
As far as the "8 things", whether it's marriage or parenting, the truth is it's hard work. Anything of great value is. It's also completely worth it. If nothing else it's a character builder. The way I look at it, even if my marriage doesn't last forever, it has still been a success. I have learned so much about myself and the kind of partner I can be. It's been the greatest learning experience and I kind of think that's what life is supposed to be.
I think #7 is extremely important, but you should really realize this before getting married in the first place. Next to that, #6 is also of great importance. There have been times in our marriage, where we've hit rough spots, and it always comes down to whether he and I are willing to work on it. If not, then it's a waste of time. Problems don't just go away so much as fester. Avoidance is not the answer.
Finally #5 is dead on. I cannot say enough about the importance of compromise in marriage. You just can't go into a healthy marriage with the thought that you're not going to change for anyone. Change can be good. Both people should change and for the better as a result of having the other in your life.
In my last post, I shared excerpts from my OCD "journal". The journal is actually part of a larger Altered OCD Box I did called "OCD, set me free".
A short definition is pasted across front of box. There is journaling around all sides.
Inside box, is the "journal" made from a paperbag. It has fabric with clock charm along spine. On cover there is a record cover pocket that holds removable record with more journaling.
Inside box lid, there is the word "Frozen" tiled across top. Brain is a shaker box that can be removed from head. Shaker box was purposely made hard to shake.
Underneath the book, there is a secret compartment with hinges, beaded handle and key hole.
When you open the door, there is an altered "OCD" pin that can be worn. The pin represents the 1st key to getting help with OCD--admitting that you have it.
The more people that become familiar with the disorder, the less stigma there will be attached to having it.
When you remove the pin, the words "No more Secrets" are written underneath.
I found the making of this box therapeutic as I do with all creative outlets. Whether it's scrapbooking, dance, painting, crocheting, decorating. You don't have to have OCD to need a reason to do something like this. You just need the willingness to create and to accept your imperfections.
I know when I first started allowing myself to be creative it was actually hard because it can be so personal. There was a big part of me who wanted everything to be perfect for fear that someone might see it and judge me.
You have to let that go though. First of all, it doesn't have to be for anyone else's eyes. It can just be for you and you don't have to be perfect. It seems simple, but realizing that was really powerful for me.
I hope that my project may have inspired something in someone out there.
Organization eventually turned into washing of the hands. Then that became washing the hands and the face, and the neck and ears, etc. everytime I had the urge.
I just have to wait until my mind moves on to the next thought and there's no way to tell when that will be.
I think I have OCD because, as crazy as I know it does sound, it makes me feel like I have some control.
Control being, if you've read my post on dreams, an issue for me. Why? Because I didn't feel a sense of control as a child.
It's getting to be that time again...my dad's birthday is coming followed shortly by the 3rd anniversary of his death. With him on my mind, I wrote a friend who's going through a very hard time. His father is ill and he's in a bad place. I thought I'd share it, because you never know, it may help.
I've been thinking about you and what you're going through. I hesitate in even telling you this because I know how it sounds. Please take me serious and remember who I am. I'm not a bible thumper, but when I was dealing with my dad's death... undoubtedly the most depressing time of my life, I listened to Kirk Franklin alot and it really helped. In fact, the day he died, the first thing I did was go to my dad's car and played the songs "My life is in your hands" and "more than I can bear". Please, for me, look up these songs and really listen to them.
It may be the last thing you thought you would ever do, but know there is great relief in letting "Jesus take the wheel".
As that song goes,
"Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do
this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on"
I know, I know this probably sounds cheesy, but we all hit places in our lives where we just feel so overwhelmed and it doesn't feel like it will get better. But then you realize it's out of your hands and you ask for help, from those around you and from Jesus, God, whatever.
I know you're in therapy, but you also know your behavior is counter-productive and you're sabotaging any chance of getting better. Drinking and all that only masks things and all the problems are still there in the morning. You need to face things and know things will get harder before they get better, but they will get better. It's just hard work.
Lastly, look up Kirk Franklin's song "Declaration" and let it be your anthem.
You don't have the right to give up on life and happiness. You have people, a wife and kids who all love you.
If the problem is a stressful job, give it up. It's not worth what it's doing to you. Your wife would rather you be happy than rich. If it's your dad, then spend the time with him, say the things that need to be said and let there be no regrets.
Life can be good again. I promise you. You have to believe it though.
I know so many people who are looking for the "perfect partner". Unfortunately, they seem to pay no mind to whether or not they are an equally perfect partner. It makes sense doesn't it? I mean let's say you find this person, you have to ask yourself, what will they see in you?
For instance, I cannot tell you how many over-weight guys I've met in my life, who only date skinny girls. What is that about? These are the same guys who want virginal girls when they, themselves, are complete ...well...sluts. Let me tell you something guys, a virginal girl won't want you and whatever diseases you bring to the table.
Maybe you're hoping for a person to clean when you're a slob...well opposites do attract, so maybe that will happen, but why should it? Why should you get away with being half par, but expect so much from a partner?
Perhaps, instead of thinking about what you want, you should be thinking about what you want to be.
After my posts on the effects of technology and drugs on people, you had to know music was coming. Now, I know people don't want to hear that music has anything to do with people killing themselves or others. I get that. People want to believe "we're all in control of our actions" and that "nothing makes us kill", right?
Well, what do you want to bet that these same people do believe in music as therapy and that music can enrich a child's mind? Without even thinking about the contradiction, people are willing to believe the positive of things they like (all things, not just music), but not the negative. As if not facing something makes it untrue.
Here's where I stand on the subject:
While I don't think music makes people do things in the truest sense of the word, I think it's ridiculous for people to deny that music heightens what a person is already feeling. Thus, if a person is depressed and they listen to depressing music, they become more depressed. Same goes for anger. You're mad so you crank up the most vile music you can to get your heart pumping even harder, and guess what? You get angrier. Strange how that happens.
Odds are that you've made some judgements about me for saying this and I assure you, you're wrong. I listen to and enjoy the most depressing, and the most vile music there is. I, like everyone, have times of great sadness and anger. This is why I know what I'm saying is true. I feel the effect music has on me.
I remember a time when I was particularly down as a teen. I was in my room, listening to depressing music, and my sister tried to get me to go out. I told her it wouldn't matter where I was, I would feel the same. As I got older, I realized that I would never know if the statement was true. I did know, however, that by staying there, listening to that music, I had no chance of coming out of the state I was in.
Again, I've also felt similar heightened states when I'm angry and I put on Static X or Godsmack, Anthrax, System of a Down etc, etc.
Of course, none of this made me hurt anyone, thank goodness; but I know there are people out there who are in more fragile places than even I've been and I can see how it might drive a person over that edge.
It's not that I think the music is to blame, but I strongly caution parents and even friends to pay attention to what your loved ones listen to. If you find a person listening to depressing music, shut off from the world, you drag their a** out of the house. You never know, maybe it will make the difference. Sometimes people want you to help without them having to ask, or even knowing that's what they want.
My son is now 17 months old now and we're trying to make the ever so important decision of whether or not to have a second child. With my age being a factor, if we were going to have another child, it should be soon. I'm going to be 32 this year and I don't want to be having kids past 35 for sure.
My mom was 34 when she had me and that was fine, but my dad was 40 and it was almost too old for my liking. I realize a lot of people are still having kids when they get older, but as a child of an older parent, it sucked. Sorry parents, but that's the truth of it. It sucked having kids think my dad was my grandpa and, more than anything, it sucked losing him so early in my life. Of course, having kids young is no indicator that you'll be around to see them grow up, but it can definitely heighten the chances. Oh what I would give to have had just another 10 years.
Mind you, I was no spring chicken when I had my son, but it wasn't that we weren't trying. We just left the timing up to God and I think it happened as it should, as does everything. Second time around though, would have to be different because, like I said, age is a factor.
There are many factors to consider this time. For instance, the proper spacing between children. I definitely want my son to have his time, but I would also want them to be close enough in age to enjoy one another. My sister and I are 11 years apart and it was more like having 2 mothers. It wasn't good to say the least.
Then there's the question of sex. Of course, we shouldn't care, but I would almost prefer another boy for the simple fact that I believe same sex siblings are usually closer. I know there are exceptions, but I haven't seen them in my own life.
I guess the truth is that if we have another child, a big reason would be so my son would have a sibling and will hopefully share a strong bond. There is no guarantee though and so I wonder if we should stop. My worry is that he will feel shorted.
Having so much distance between my sister and I, it was like I was an only child. My husband was an only child, but later gained step siblings. So it's like we both understand to some extent but then we do still have someone to fall back on now.
When I say fall back on, I am thinking of times of needing someone. I don't know what I would have done when dealing with my dad's death without my sister. Of course, my son could always have good friends, but friendships aren't a strong point for my family. We have always been very closely knit and though I've had great friendships, they aren't who I lean on in times of need.
It's all a lot to take in and consider. I would love to hear from some only children to know if there is resentment there. I don't know, maybe it's that we always want what we don't have.
I thought this post my help me sort some things out along the way, but I'm no closer to making a decision. One question only needs to another.
