Blog Psychologist

So, I last talked about trying to cope with death and it makes me wonder how well I've really done myself. Listening to this song, "You Will Make It Through" by Jem and it says:

Go to bed everything's alright
Don't know the whole world's changing
As you sleep through the night
Wake up slowly and it's a different world

Hear the news and the floods begin
Screams so loud but only felt within
Heart is shattered
The pieces can't be found

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, he would want you to

Months go by, still living in a daze
Don't know what you've done
With the last seven days
Soul is numb and life is like a dream

Helping hands but you push them away
How could they understand
Don't wanna share your pain
Afraid to heal, 'cause that would be goodbye

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, she would want you to

One day sunlight hits a photograph
And it makes you smile
The memories dance around you now
And they make you smile
You're not alone
You'll never be
Just like the stars
They oversee
And
they whisper to you
You're still, you're still,
You're still, you're still alive

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, they would want you to

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die

The last part is the poem I had added to my Dad's funeral cards. I put some of my favorite parts in bold. "Afraid to heal, 'cause that would be goodbye" that specifically struck me hard because it feels so true in regards to my Dad. I've been thinking about him alot being that my son just turned two and he wasn't here to see it.

It pains me to think how close he was to meeting my son. He died in `06 and my son was born in `07. I know it's not good to dwell on what can never be and yet at night, when I'm up alone, I let my mind go to those places. I try to play computer games and work on my blogs to keep my mind busy enough that I don't get down, but when I lay my head on the pillow, there's no distractions. I lie awake and wonder why, what if..., how could this happen to me and all of the other things that go along with that way of thinking. It's impossible to imagine if you haven't experienced a close death.

Having said that, I believe the positive message of the song as well, that we will make it through and that our loved ones would want us to. It's just so much harder than I could have ever imagined. I may have said it before, but I often feel like I need my dad here to help me through his death.