How Different My Life Would Have Been Had Pirates Been Popular When I Was Little
0 comments at Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Be honest, I got ya interested with that title huh? Well, please read on because this is a tale of warning for all the kids who don't listen and the parents who don't force their kids to do what's best for them.
Basically, I had a lazy eye when I was a kid and was supposed to wear a patch over my good eye in order to strengthen the weaker eye. Patch, Pirate, get it now? Well, of course, no kid wants that target on their back and so I didn't wear it and my parents didn't make me either.
Thus, I am now legally blind in one eye and have migraines because that eye strains so hard to see. Turns out, that's the good news. The bad news, is that I have floaters that have floated down into my main field of vision, in my "good" eye. Then, yesterday, I went in because I am finding it hard to even read now and was told that surgery is too risky being that I only have the one eye that I see out of.
So, this is it. Apparently, I have to live with this, not knowing if I'll be able to read much longer because the floaters are only getting worse, not better like they act like they might. To some this might not even be a big deal, I guess, but I love to read. I love being on the computer and was just thinking of going back to school. It's a hard pill to swallow.
This leads me to why I chose the picture I did. That's me, when I was little. It's one of the few pics of me with my coke bottle glasses and where you can see my burn. It's a picture I think of often and it makes me sad. I just want to grab that girl, with all her problems, and hold her. Life's already been so hard for that girl and it doesn't get too much easier.
I wish this story had, or should I say has, a happy ending. I guess we shall see...bad choice of words.
I've been thinking about going back to school to get my Doctorate. It's a tough decision because I'm 32 now and feel like things have changed a lot since I was in school. I don't want to be the only person who prefers using paper over laptops, that sort of thing.
That, and I'm worried I wouldn't be able to keep up. I mean I'm a pretty intelligent person, but there's a whole mind set to being in school and learning under those conditions. I feel like my mind turned to mush after I walked out of school doors for the last time.
Still, I feel like I need to do it. When I first graduated, I thought I would take a short break and go back. Years have passed and it was okay because I told myself I wanted to be at home when I had kids. Now, I've had my son and think I might be done having kids. So, I'm left wondering what I will do when he goes off to school.
I am working on-line and have a pretty sweet gig being able to be home and enjoy my son. I just can't help but feel like I'm denying my potential. What kind of message is that to send to my son? I want him to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself.
Please feel free to share your stories. I can't be the only one in this position.
So, I last talked about trying to cope with death and it makes me wonder how well I've really done myself. Listening to this song, "You Will Make It Through" by Jem and it says:
Go to bed everything's alright
Don't know the whole world's changing
As you sleep through the night
Wake up slowly and it's a different world
Hear the news and the floods begin
Screams so loud but only felt within
Heart is shattered
The pieces can't be found
I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, he would want you to
Months go by, still living in a daze
Don't know what you've done
With the last seven days
Soul is numb and life is like a dream
Helping hands but you push them away
How could they understand
Don't wanna share your pain
Afraid to heal, 'cause that would be goodbye
I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, she would want you to
One day sunlight hits a photograph
And it makes you smile
The memories dance around you now
And they make you smile
You're not alone
You'll never be
Just like the stars
They oversee
And
they whisper to you
You're still, you're still,
You're still, you're still alive
I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, they would want you to
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die
The last part is the poem I had added to my Dad's funeral cards. I put some of my favorite parts in bold. "Afraid to heal, 'cause that would be goodbye" that specifically struck me hard because it feels so true in regards to my Dad. I've been thinking about him alot being that my son just turned two and he wasn't here to see it.
It pains me to think how close he was to meeting my son. He died in `06 and my son was born in `07. I know it's not good to dwell on what can never be and yet at night, when I'm up alone, I let my mind go to those places. I try to play computer games and work on my blogs to keep my mind busy enough that I don't get down, but when I lay my head on the pillow, there's no distractions. I lie awake and wonder why, what if..., how could this happen to me and all of the other things that go along with that way of thinking. It's impossible to imagine if you haven't experienced a close death.
Having said that, I believe the positive message of the song as well, that we will make it through and that our loved ones would want us to. It's just so much harder than I could have ever imagined. I may have said it before, but I often feel like I need my dad here to help me through his death.
When faced with death upon death, it's hard not to question why, why people have to go and why there has to be so much suffering, but it's just like child birth. There's so much pain, but then the baby's out and there's joy. Once in Heaven, there's only peace.
There's a poem that says "death is our wedding with eternity" and I like that because it's like a beginning instead of an end.
Here is that poem by Rumi:
Our death is our wedding with eternity.
What is the secret? "God is One."
The sunlight splits when entering the windows of the house.
This multiplicity exists in the cluster of grapes;
It is not in the juice made from the grapes.
For he who is living in the Light of God,
The death of the carnal soul is a blessing.
Regarding him, say neither bad nor good,
For he is gone beyond the good and the bad.
Fix your eyes on God and do not talk about what is invisible,
So that he may place another look in your eyes.
It is in the vision of the physical eyes
That no invisible or secret thing exists.
But when the eye is turned toward the Light of God
What thing could remain hidden under such a Light?
Although all lights emanate from the Divine Light
Don't call all these lights "the Light of God";
It is the eternal light which is the Light of God,
The ephemeral light is an attribute of the body and the flesh.
...Oh God who gives the grace of vision!
The bird of vision is flying towards You with the wings of desire.
I know it's probably going to sound funny, but since my dad died, my husband and I have struggled to get back to a good place. One thing that helped and still helps us is the motto, if you will, "Low Expectations".
I look around me now and everyone I know is struggling. We struggle to get through the days, we struggle to make money, to have nice things, to be the perfect parent, to be liked, the list is never ending. So, just setting the bar a little lower and reminding yourself, it doesn't have to be perfect, we don't have to be perfect, it can help. I know it helps me.
Especially having OCD, alot of what I feel is this need for everything to feel right, whatever that means. I need to feel clean, to feel like everything is where it belongs, to feel like everything is okay. Sometimes I'll be washing and I'll get so consumed by this process, I'll repeat it over and over without even realizing. Finally, I stop and I say to myself, "low expectations, it doesn't have to be perfect" and it snaps me out of it. Without it, I wonder how long I would go, stuck in the cycle of mindless actions.
It all comes down to the same thing. Whether it's OCD or drugs or anorexia, or gambling, it's all the same. We feel our lives are out of control and so we turn to something to fill up that hole we have inside. I know that the real answer is to face the things we try to run from. I'm working on that now.
Basically, he began obsessing over death at a very early age and his brother said that he would be obsessed over getting things right and would want to constantly "start over". Well, that just struck a nerve with me because, when I was a kid, I was obsessed with starting over. I don't think I ever got through a game because I kept needing to start over, start over, start over.
Evan's parents seemed to do everything right. They were clearly concerned and tried to get him the help he needed. Unfortunately, it didn't have the happy ending I wish it had, on many levels.
Evan's uncle, on his father's side, had also committed suicide. They then had his grandmother, or his uncle's mother, on talking about her experiences of losing her son and grandson to suicide. Evan's father said that his son very much reminded him of his brother. I found it to be very interesting to see all the different sides of what depression and suicide can do to a family.
Having lost my brother to suicide, I have had some experience, though I cannot imagine what it would be to lose a child that way. I think Evan's brother said it best because he said, and I'm summarizing, but he said that every 15 year old has similar issues at that age. Though Evan felt things more strongly being bipolar, the indication was that if he'd given it time, problems that seemed like the end of the world, would have lessened the older he'd gotten.
I don't know if that's true for someone with manic depression; but in general, I think this is very true and that it just continues all your life. When you're a teen, it's about what your peers think, it's school, it's parents. In mid-life, it's money, jobs, material things and all of the things we struggle over, but none of it matters when we're old and grey.
Evan will never know that now. It's beyond sad. My heart truly goes out to that family.
So, I talked about the why of bad relationships. Now, we should discuss the what, as in what to do when you're in one? It doesn't have to be infidelity, it could be anything. Maybe your partner is a good person, but you're not in love with them, or you know you'd be happier on your own.
It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Sometime's things just are and when we deny that and try and force what isn't supposed to be, we're setting ourselves up for a life full of unhappiness and regrets.
Life's too short for us all to be so unhappy as we are. You might think you're doing your partner or even your kids a favor by toughing it out. However, if toughing it out means taking anti-depressants, drinking, gambling, cheating, eating, or whatever your vice is, then do you really think your family is better off? What message does that send to your kids?
Kids need healthy examples of what a relationships is supposed to be. The best question to ask yourself is "Would you want your child to be in a relationship like yours?". If the answer is "no" you should think real hard about the decisions you're making because I promise you, patterns do repeat. Staying in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship can doom your children to have a relationship just like yours.
Now, I'm not saying divorce is the answer. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. The answer is to get active. This is your life. You made the choices that led to where you are and it's you who has to fix things. It's not enough to blame your partner for everything. Your partner may be at fault, but you can only control yourself. If it isn't working between you, and you can't get your partner to meet you half way, leave. Don't just threaten it with no intention of follow through, but actually do it. Make the hard decisions in life that will lead to real change if you know it will make you happier in the end. If you're happy, your kids will be happy and even your partner will eventually be happy again.
If, however, your partner is willing to support you and to work on things, then that's half the battle. In that case, maybe it is just a matter or re-assessing things and changing your attitude. Often times, people focus so much on all the little negatives instead of the big positives. You have to become aware of those little negative thoughts and decide to fight them. Think positive, even if it is a fake it `til you make it scenario. Eventually, you will have trained your brain to push the negative thoughts out on it's own.
If you believe things can work out, then they probably will, and vice versa. Life doesn't have to be as hard as we make it. Sometimes it helps me to think about what it is that will be important on my death bed and I realize it's not money or how clean my house is. It can really put things into perspective.
