As I was watching Obsessed last night, it hit me that this show is exactly like A&E's Intervention. This is disturbing because I know how I feel when I watch Intervention, how sympathetic I feel and yet it's total entertainment. I guess you can't know how degrading that idea is until they do a show about your darkest secret.
Now that the show is about OCD, it sucks to think that there are people out there watching only to feel better about their own lives by seeing how horrible others have it. It's not entertainment for me, it's educational; but like I said, I've definitely been on the other side of it with Intervention. Though I don't know that Intervention was pure entertainment for me. I do like to study behavior. I never judged. In fact, I feel like I do understand why people turn to drugs and I am grateful that I never have.
In many ways, OCD is similar, just as eating disorders, cutting and other addictions are similar. They're all outlets, coping mechanisms. This is what we turn to when we don't face our issues. I'm realizing that more now than ever.
My OCD is at a all time high. That sounds obvious because it's progressive; but there are times, when stress levels are low, that the OCD is easier to deal with. Now, is not one of those times. I'm more frightened of my OCD and the hold it has over me now than ever before.
I know I'll have to do something soon or I'm going to be one of those people facing dire consequences, such as possible divorce, hospitalization, and loss of freedom.
This type of therapy focuses on exposure to your fears. So, it you're afraid of germs, you'll be covered in them, etc. Honestly, I think this is the way to go; but I know what it would take to go through that and frankly, I'm not ready.
I try to watch, with hopes that it might encourage me or even help. It's hard though, because I feel anxious for the people going through it. Also because there are times when someone with OCD can influence me and even give me new things to obsess over.
I'm not sure if anyone who doesn't have it can understand that facet of it, but sometimes people will say something about their fears and something will click inside me. Like, "oh, I never thought of that, but now I will".
Years ago, I would join chat groups about OCD and I remember someone telling me their house was "contaminated" so they had to move. I'm sorry for saying this, but I thought she was nuts. Now, I have these same thoughts and feel desperate to move. This, among many other things, let's me know just how bad it's gotten for me. I know I do need help or I fear what will happen.
Everything I've read or heard says the fear of going crazy is normal and that it's an unnecessary fear, but that just isn't comforting.
Last night I had a dream with a re-occurring situation. It's a little embarrassing, but it always involves going to a public restroom and either the door's broken or the stall doors are too short. Somethings always wrong.
Equally embarrassing, up until now, I had no idea what it meant. Then, this morning, I'm describing it to my husband and it just came out, "it's just not comfortable". That's it! For years, I've wondered and it's as simple as that.
This is why it is so important to say your dreams out loud. It was hearing myself say the phrase aloud that caused it's meaning to click in my mind.
It's about my OCD. So many of my rituals ("compulsions") take place in the bathroom. It's a place I dread to go and a place that I feel a great sense of discomfort in.
Now, if you look it up in a dream dictionary it will say something completely generic but it's all about what things/places mean to you. You can't go by generalities when it comes to true analysis.
Talking about marriage, along with compromise, honesty is by far one of the most important factors to a successful relationship. I've been thinking about honesty a lot lately in trying to analyze myself and what's important to me. Honesty has, in my adult life, been of the utmost importance to me. When I was a kid, I lied alot, but every night I would come and confess these lies along with whatever else I felt bad about to my mom.
I wondered for a long time why I did that because my family wasn't Catholic, not even religious really. Then, pretty recently, I was talking to my therapist about it and she linked it to my OCD by saying that confessing made me feel clean. I need to feel clean, that's big for me and so for her to link that together just made so much sense.
Now, I know what you're thinking, you hear clean and you think I feel dirty therefore I was probably sexually assaulted. This is not the case. If it were, I would admit to it. I might as well, I'm admitting to everything else. My OCD, in general, isn't something I share with a lot of people.
I don't know where this idea of dirty/clean came from and why it plays such a role in my life. I do, however, know that honesty was something my mom put a lot of value on. If you were dishonest she would be disappointed and I never wanted my parents to be disappointed in me. I think this was because they fought alot and I always, to this day, think I caused a lot of it. It's crazy to me that I still think that because I know better, but that kid inside me still doesn't.
To be disappointing, to be a problem, in our already chaotic life was something I tried so hard to avoid. I wanted to be good and I think I was a good kid, comparatively. Oddly enough the good kid never gets the attention, not with a troubled rebel as a sibling. I understand it, why my sister acted out, why my parents had to give her more attention, why the good kid gets pushed to the background, and yet it still sucks.
Life is so much about those realizations that life just isn't fair.
There are tons of articles on love and relationships, but I recently came across 8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage on Redbook Magazine's website and it pretty much covers it. The 8 things are as follows:
1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?
2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.
3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).
4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that's okay.
5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.
6. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying
to get it right.
7. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.
8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.
I feel this it's important to hear these things because too many times people try and put on this facade that everything's peachy and then you're left wondering if you're the only couple to experience these things, when the truth is that we all feel these things. This is true of many things and not just marriage. In fact, I'm finding that some of these "8 things" could just as easily refer to parenting.
Considering I've been with my husband 10 years and only have a 20 month old baby, I'm a bit more of a novice when it comes to parenting. I sure wish someone would have stressed certain negativity's to me before I got pregnant. Not that I wouldn't have had a baby, but maybe I could have been more prepared for just how great a sacrifice it truly is.
As I've mentioned before, I suffered from postpartum afterwards. Luckily Brooke Shields had come out about that or I might not have gotten help so quickly as I did. That's exactly what I'm saying, just knowing we're not in it alone helps immensely.
As far as the "8 things", whether it's marriage or parenting, the truth is it's hard work. Anything of great value is. It's also completely worth it. If nothing else it's a character builder. The way I look at it, even if my marriage doesn't last forever, it has still been a success. I have learned so much about myself and the kind of partner I can be. It's been the greatest learning experience and I kind of think that's what life is supposed to be.
I think #7 is extremely important, but you should really realize this before getting married in the first place. Next to that, #6 is also of great importance. There have been times in our marriage, where we've hit rough spots, and it always comes down to whether he and I are willing to work on it. If not, then it's a waste of time. Problems don't just go away so much as fester. Avoidance is not the answer.
Finally #5 is dead on. I cannot say enough about the importance of compromise in marriage. You just can't go into a healthy marriage with the thought that you're not going to change for anyone. Change can be good. Both people should change and for the better as a result of having the other in your life.
In my last post, I shared excerpts from my OCD "journal". The journal is actually part of a larger Altered OCD Box I did called "OCD, set me free".
A short definition is pasted across front of box. There is journaling around all sides.
Inside box, is the "journal" made from a paperbag. It has fabric with clock charm along spine. On cover there is a record cover pocket that holds removable record with more journaling.
Inside box lid, there is the word "Frozen" tiled across top. Brain is a shaker box that can be removed from head. Shaker box was purposely made hard to shake.
Underneath the book, there is a secret compartment with hinges, beaded handle and key hole.
When you open the door, there is an altered "OCD" pin that can be worn. The pin represents the 1st key to getting help with OCD--admitting that you have it.
The more people that become familiar with the disorder, the less stigma there will be attached to having it.
When you remove the pin, the words "No more Secrets" are written underneath.
I found the making of this box therapeutic as I do with all creative outlets. Whether it's scrapbooking, dance, painting, crocheting, decorating. You don't have to have OCD to need a reason to do something like this. You just need the willingness to create and to accept your imperfections.
I know when I first started allowing myself to be creative it was actually hard because it can be so personal. There was a big part of me who wanted everything to be perfect for fear that someone might see it and judge me.
You have to let that go though. First of all, it doesn't have to be for anyone else's eyes. It can just be for you and you don't have to be perfect. It seems simple, but realizing that was really powerful for me.
I hope that my project may have inspired something in someone out there.
Organization eventually turned into washing of the hands. Then that became washing the hands and the face, and the neck and ears, etc. everytime I had the urge.
I just have to wait until my mind moves on to the next thought and there's no way to tell when that will be.
I think I have OCD because, as crazy as I know it does sound, it makes me feel like I have some control.
Control being, if you've read my post on dreams, an issue for me. Why? Because I didn't feel a sense of control as a child.
