Blog Psychologist

I'm reading Deepak Chopra's "The Path to Love" because I've been trying to work out things from my past in hopes of healing. I know that self love is important, if not the most important thing, but I think I lost it somewhere along the lines.

In this book, Deepak talks about psychological healing versus spiritual healing. He says that we are made up of love and that the negative thoughts and feelings we have towards self isn't who we are. He goes onto suggest that when you have these feelings, you actually tell yourself, "this is not me". I don't know, it sounds silly now that I'm writing it, but I've been doing it and I think it helps. I talked before about mantras and monitoring of negative thoughts. This helps point out and to deny these thoughts access.

This is important for me because I can be extremely negative. I actually think some of that stems from the fact that positivity didn't always go over well in my family. If you felt good about yourself, you were cocky; if you did well, you were gloating. It was almost instilled in us that you don't talk about the good things in your life. It's pretty pitiful existence to be honest. The good news is, I am an adult and don't have to be confined to that way of thinking, which is exactly why I'm trying very hard to break the habit. Wish me luck.

I've been watching Hoarders lately. No, I don't have this particular issue, but I know it's supposed to branch from OCD. Recently, there was an episode with a psychologist/hoarder. I know this may seem odd to people to have someone with a disorder when she should know how to deal with such things. I, of course, relate because my degree is also in Psych (though I'm not practicing at the moment) and I have OCD.

What one needs to consider is that we all have issues and that none of us have all of the answers. For one reason or another, people tend to be harder on psychologists than other professionals. For instance, no one seems to care when their physical doctors are over-weight or when their hairdresser looks like Jose Eber. I mean that guy doesn't even cut his hair and he wears a hat all of the time, but no one seems to question it.

The reality is that your family doctor probably isn't healthy because he works long hours, in a high stress position and probably eats from machines and drive-thrus~~the exact opposite of what they'd tell us to do. Along those same lines, psychologists often have major issues. While trying to work out these issues, it's easy to develop an interest in the field of psychology in general, which can lead to a career. I think it also gives a real compassion towards others because there's an understanding there.

I know when I went to see a grief counselor after my father passed, it felt important to me that she'd lost someone close to her because otherwise I didn't think she could understand. Lord knows, I didn't understand this level of grief until I went through it myself. This is why rehabs often have recovering addicts working there.

That isn't to say that psychologists and mental health workers need to experience everything their patients go through, just like physical doctors don't have to have had a disease to try and cure it. But to have "issues", whatever they may be, is something that connects us as human beings. If psychologists were issue-free, then I don't think they would be very good at their jobs.

It's been awhile since I last wrote--one, because I was busy and two, because I've been in a weird place... mentally. A lot of changes are coming my way and I don't do well with change. In one of my many therapy sessions it was made clear that I fear change because changes have not been good ones in the past. I associate change with loss and instability. Stability being my #1 priority in life.

I am trying desperately to observe the feelings that are coming up for me without letting them drag me down into depression, which is a state that feels comfortable to me. I get depressed and I know it's bad to give in but then I go into this defensive, "I don't give a f***" zone and do it anyway. Now though, I have my son to think about and so it's not like I can just lie around feeling sorry for myself. I have to do better because he deserves better.

I'm actually doing pretty well. I think with the new year, I have new hopes and new resolutions. One resolution being to let go and let God. I know that I need these changes because I don't want another year like the last in that I'm stagnant and it's ridiculously clear that I'm not living up to my potential. Happiness does not grow in a place like that and I am determined to find my happiness again.

I did a vision board to try and motivate me and I have a new mantra, "I'm a closer". I like it because it's powerful and it's something that was true of me once. I'd like it to be true again.

On my board, I have "parties" but it's just that I like to throw parties but I have shied away from entertaining in the past. Hopefully, one day, that will change. Oh and I know I have the no OCD right under Mr. Clean, but what I want is a clean home without feeling like cleaning rules me.

I'm still working on my board but it's been good because it really makes you focus on what you want for your future. You may think you know but then sit down to do and go blank. I'd suggest everyone try it.

I remember sitting at the edge of a fountain once, when I was a kid. I dipped my feet in and swirled them in circles, creating waves. As I watched, I felt like I was floating away. I liked that feeling very much.

I was too young to think of where I was going or why I wanted to go. My thoughts weren't so heavy back then. All I knew was that I wanted to go away. It is a profound memory of mine. Thinking back on how young I was at the time, I think what a sad thought it was for a child to have.

Unfortunately, the thought of "away", and whatever that means, never left me.

When I was in my teens, I started having thoughts of jumping out of moving cars. I'd imagine myself hopping out and then running like the wind...away. It was a really freeing thought.

I don't really know if these thoughts are "normal" because no one talks about these things. Maybe they should though because there's freedom in that too. Maybe if we didn't keep these things to ourselves, we'd all realize that we're not alone. Then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to go away.

In theory, it's great to say "When you're knocked you off the horse, you gotta get right back up". In reality, sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes, we have the will and the desire to get back up; but as soon as we stand, we're dealt another blow. Blow upon blow, and you start spending more time on the ground, wondering whether it's worth getting up at all.

Most of us have been or will find ourselves in that very place at least once in our lives. So the story I'm about to tell you isn't unique. However, our own experiences should make us sympathize and want to give the help that we wished we'd received at our time of need.

My sister has a friend who is without a furnace for a fast approaching winter in Missouri. I know that in this economy this may not be a story that you haven't heard many times over.

In this particular case, this woman has been through the ringer as of late. She lost her father followed by her husband and then had to have major surgery last year. To some, losing a furnace isn't a big deal on the scale of what this woman has been through, but it's just another blow. Of course, we can't bring back her loved ones or heal her pain, but a new furnace is something WE can do.

My sister has set up a site, here, and I have a widget below where you can give. It doesn't have to be much $5 $10 if that's what you have.

I've had several people come to me lately with questions about God. The doubt that seems to be plaguing people during these hard times is causing a lot of grief. People often feel bad for questioning the existence of God. I think this is unnecessary.

Quite the contrary, I think that God would want us to question. Then, if we come to believe, it is an informed decision. If you can answer the questions you have for yourself, I believe your faith will be more solid than if you follow blindly, things that others have told you to believe. To me, it's no different than if someone gives you all the answers to a math test. You might get the test right, but you still don't know math.

To start you, or to help you continue, on your journey, I'll tell you something that helps me. Just as I try to put myself in other people's shoes, I also try and put myself in God's shoes. For instance, regarding the question of proof; if I were a God, I could show myself to others and prove to everyone that I exist. Once I removed doubt, people would believe, follow me, do what I asked, worship me. I think it would be much like if we, as human beings, could force people to love us. It might sound wonderful, but wouldn't it take away from the value of love if we never knew if the person truly loved us? What's the point of love if it's not real? Just something to think about?

Please feel free to share your feeling son the subject.

If you're watching ABC's show, Flash Forward, then you have been made aware of Schrodinger's Cat experiment. If not, then here's a video explaining:



To recap, if the cat has an equal, 50% chance of being alive or dead and we were asked to say which, we could only say that the cat is actually in a mixed Quantum state, and that the cat would only be in a specific state of life or death when someone opens the box to observe.

This goes along the same lines as another Quantum theory, the Double Slit Experiment:



Now, your first reaction may be "So what?". Well, the idea is that it begs the question "Could this prove that we, as people, are indeed observed by something bigger than us...aka a God?". It's certainly something to think about. I'm doing some thinking of my own on it and I'll get back to you if I figure out anything.

What do you think?

Be honest, I got ya interested with that title huh? Well, please read on because this is a tale of warning for all the kids who don't listen and the parents who don't force their kids to do what's best for them.

Basically, I had a lazy eye when I was a kid and was supposed to wear a patch over my good eye in order to strengthen the weaker eye. Patch, Pirate, get it now? Well, of course, no kid wants that target on their back and so I didn't wear it and my parents didn't make me either.

Thus, I am now legally blind in one eye and have migraines because that eye strains so hard to see. Turns out, that's the good news. The bad news, is that I have floaters that have floated down into my main field of vision, in my "good" eye. Then, yesterday, I went in because I am finding it hard to even read now and was told that surgery is too risky being that I only have the one eye that I see out of.

So, this is it. Apparently, I have to live with this, not knowing if I'll be able to read much longer because the floaters are only getting worse, not better like they act like they might. To some this might not even be a big deal, I guess, but I love to read. I love being on the computer and was just thinking of going back to school. It's a hard pill to swallow.

This leads me to why I chose the picture I did. That's me, when I was little. It's one of the few pics of me with my coke bottle glasses and where you can see my burn. It's a picture I think of often and it makes me sad. I just want to grab that girl, with all her problems, and hold her. Life's already been so hard for that girl and it doesn't get too much easier.

I wish this story had, or should I say has, a happy ending. I guess we shall see...bad choice of words.

I've been thinking about going back to school to get my Doctorate. It's a tough decision because I'm 32 now and feel like things have changed a lot since I was in school. I don't want to be the only person who prefers using paper over laptops, that sort of thing.

That, and I'm worried I wouldn't be able to keep up. I mean I'm a pretty intelligent person, but there's a whole mind set to being in school and learning under those conditions. I feel like my mind turned to mush after I walked out of school doors for the last time.

Still, I feel like I need to do it. When I first graduated, I thought I would take a short break and go back. Years have passed and it was okay because I told myself I wanted to be at home when I had kids. Now, I've had my son and think I might be done having kids. So, I'm left wondering what I will do when he goes off to school.

I am working on-line and have a pretty sweet gig being able to be home and enjoy my son. I just can't help but feel like I'm denying my potential. What kind of message is that to send to my son? I want him to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself.

Please feel free to share your stories. I can't be the only one in this position.

So, I last talked about trying to cope with death and it makes me wonder how well I've really done myself. Listening to this song, "You Will Make It Through" by Jem and it says:

Go to bed everything's alright
Don't know the whole world's changing
As you sleep through the night
Wake up slowly and it's a different world

Hear the news and the floods begin
Screams so loud but only felt within
Heart is shattered
The pieces can't be found

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, he would want you to

Months go by, still living in a daze
Don't know what you've done
With the last seven days
Soul is numb and life is like a dream

Helping hands but you push them away
How could they understand
Don't wanna share your pain
Afraid to heal, 'cause that would be goodbye

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, she would want you to

One day sunlight hits a photograph
And it makes you smile
The memories dance around you now
And they make you smile
You're not alone
You'll never be
Just like the stars
They oversee
And
they whisper to you
You're still, you're still,
You're still, you're still alive

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, they would want you to

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die

I know it's probably going to sound funny, but since my dad died, my husband and I have struggled to get back to a good place. One thing that helped and still helps us is the motto, if you will, "Low Expectations".

I look around me now and everyone I know is struggling. We struggle to get through the days, we struggle to make money, to have nice things, to be the perfect parent, to be liked, the list is never ending. So, just setting the bar a little lower and reminding yourself, it doesn't have to be perfect, we don't have to be perfect, it can help. I know it helps me.

Especially having OCD, alot of what I feel is this need for everything to feel right, whatever that means. I need to feel clean, to feel like everything is where it belongs, to feel like everything is okay. Sometimes I'll be washing and I'll get so consumed by this process, I'll repeat it over and over without even realizing. Finally, I stop and I say to myself, "low expectations, it doesn't have to be perfect" and it snaps me out of it. Without it, I wonder how long I would go, stuck in the cycle of mindless actions.

It all comes down to the same thing. Whether it's OCD or drugs or anorexia, or gambling, it's all the same. We feel our lives are out of control and so we turn to something to fill up that hole we have inside. I know that the real answer is to face the things we try to run from. I'm working on that now.

So, I talked about the why of bad relationships. Now, we should discuss the what, as in what to do when you're in one? It doesn't have to be infidelity, it could be anything. Maybe your partner is a good person, but you're not in love with them, or you know you'd be happier on your own.

It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Sometime's things just are and when we deny that and try and force what isn't supposed to be, we're setting ourselves up for a life full of unhappiness and regrets.

Life's too short for us all to be so unhappy as we are. You might think you're doing your partner or even your kids a favor by toughing it out. However, if toughing it out means taking anti-depressants, drinking, gambling, cheating, eating, or whatever your vice is, then do you really think your family is better off? What message does that send to your kids?

Kids need healthy examples of what a relationships is supposed to be. The best question to ask yourself is "Would you want your child to be in a relationship like yours?". If the answer is "no" you should think real hard about the decisions you're making because I promise you, patterns do repeat. Staying in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship can doom your children to have a relationship just like yours.

Now, I'm not saying divorce is the answer. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. The answer is to get active. This is your life. You made the choices that led to where you are and it's you who has to fix things. It's not enough to blame your partner for everything. Your partner may be at fault, but you can only control yourself. If it isn't working between you, and you can't get your partner to meet you half way, leave. Don't just threaten it with no intention of follow through, but actually do it. Make the hard decisions in life that will lead to real change if you know it will make you happier in the end. If you're happy, your kids will be happy and even your partner will eventually be happy again.

If, however, your partner is willing to support you and to work on things, then that's half the battle. In that case, maybe it is just a matter or re-assessing things and changing your attitude. Often times, people focus so much on all the little negatives instead of the big positives. You have to become aware of those little negative thoughts and decide to fight them. Think positive, even if it is a fake it `til you make it scenario. Eventually, you will have trained your brain to push the negative thoughts out on it's own.

If you believe things can work out, then they probably will, and vice versa. Life doesn't have to be as hard as we make it. Sometimes it helps me to think about what it is that will be important on my death bed and I realize it's not money or how clean my house is. It can really put things into perspective.

What I've decided is that we have 3 resources in making decisions, our heart, our head and our gut. Different people tend to follow different things more often than others. To me, your heart is like the devil on one shoulder telling you to ignore the reason of the angel, or the mind, on the other shoulder. Then there's the truth and that's usually the gut feelings we have, that are typically ignored by most.

I have been thinking about a couple who are in a situation where the man has been accused of cheating. The signs are pretty disturbing and thus the mind is skeptical when the accused says that the rumors are false. The heart, of course, says to believe, to follow blindly. It's not that the heart is bad, it just wants what it wants with no concern for reason or consequences. Usually the heart just wants to be loved, to love and to believe in the good in people.

Confusion, no doubt, sets in when our resources disagree on a path. This is usually when people seek out therapy. They go, knowing already what the right answer is, what the gut tells them is really true, but hoping the therapist can make them feel better about their choice, which is usually the choice of the heart.

My point is this, ladies, and men too, 98% of the time, we know what the truth is but we deny it. Instead of making the hard choice in the moment, we deny and we go on to build up resentments towards each other; fights occur, things are said that can't be taken back. Then, it ends anyway, only with people hating one another, when it didn't have to be that way.

Don't get me wrong, I get it, I understand why this happens. Love, or the quest for love, mixed with our fear of being alone, it all defies logic. It makes us hang onto to things we don't want. It makes us do things we never thought we'd be capable of. Then, when kids are thrown into the mix, forget about it. The choice to change becomes that much harder. Not to mention the economy and years spent with a person. It all just adds up and so we stay in the uncomfortable place that has become our comfort zone.

Being a first-time parent is full of questions, worries and doubts. My husband and I often discuss the worry that we're not doing everything right. Finally, I decided that bad parents probably don't worry so much about doing everything right as we do. Thus, I think we're doing okay.

While I would like to say that there is no such thing as "bad" parents, the fact of the matter is that there are. There are very bad parents out there. I know we're not one of those. Our worries are more about making sure we're doing everything we can to raise a happy, healthy, well-rounded child. It's a lot of pressure.

Of course, I know that, no matter what we do as parents, all kids have problems. If you're poor, you resent not having money; if you're rich, you resent not knowing if people like you for who you are. If you're too loved, not loved enough; involved in too many activities or not enough; your parents push you too hard, or not enough, it is always something. That's okay though, it's the way it's supposed to be. It's our issues who make us grow as people; without them, what's the point. Without problems, we're all happy drones, which sounds great, but really...what would be the point of all this?

Sorry, got carried away. That's a whole other post. The point is, caring about your child's well-being is a good sign of being a good parent. Just something for those parents out there, going through the same things we are.

In all areas of psychology, Dream Analysis is probably where I feel most confident. Recently I was asked to analyze a dream regarding nudity in public. This is a common theme, but doesn't have to mean the same thing for everyone. It's funny really because often we're told that if we get nervous in public speaking to imagine others naked, but even the thought of the opposite scenario it makes us more nervous. I think the answer might be for us all to keep our clothes on.

The dream:

My grandparents would drop me off at this really cute old stone school. I would go in with a pink tutu, all happy to be wearing it. Then I would step through the door after my grandparents left and I would be naked! Embarrassed, I would be in constant search for it. At the end of the day I would go outside to get in the car, and I would be in my tutu again!

What could this potentially mean if a child has a reoccurring dream like this? Especially a child who never even took ballet. Is this common?

My aunt died today. She was the last of my Dad’s siblings. She was 86, so she had lived a long life. It’s sad though because it’s like losing another part of my Dad. There are so few people alive now who knew him.

It's just weird to think that when we're here, on earth, everything seems so important. We meet people, we do things and then we die and slowly everything you built falls apart. The people you knew forget or die and, in some ways, it's like you didn't exist.

You may wonder what this has to do with hoarding. Well, on a recent Obsessed, a man described hoarding better than I'd ever heard it done before. He said that things are to him like photos are to us. Every thing had a memory and could transport him to that time or place. Just like we would not throw out our precious photos, he didn't want to throw out these items.

For the first time, I completely understood where a hoarder was coming from. Especially when it came to his mother's things, who had passed a couple years before. Now, I do have OCD, but I am not a hoarder and yet I don't like to throw out anything of my Dad's. Like I was trying to explain before, losing someone makes you realize how short a lifespan really is. It feels important then for the surviving loved ones to hold on to the memories, as if to say, "Hey he existed!", "His life meant something.".

While I would like to rely solely on my memory, I know memory goes as we get older and so I hold onto the things to help fill in the blanks. For instance, I hold onto things with his handwriting because I may forget what it looked like. It doesn't matter if it's just a grocery list, it's now very important to me.

The fact of the matter is, there will never be another sheet of paper with his handwriting. There will never be another picture. There will never be another phone call. I think I mentioned before but I kept his messages on my machine and it's one of my greatest treasures. To hear his voice, saying my name, hearing his laugh... it's all that's left.

If you haven't lost someone close, you probably think I'm crazy but just wait. One day, we all understand.

I just saw the movie, Fling with Brandon Routh and I think it proves why open relationships aren't ideal. While it's possible for people to convince themselves that it makes sense and maybe, on a primal level it does, because of the way our society is and who we've evolved to be, it is not what we truly yearn for. Yes, sexually, again this is on a primal level, we can be attracted to many people and may want to mate with several people. However, if that's your goal, then don't get in a relationship at all.

No matter what a person tells you, they do not want to share. It actually has less to do with you as it does our own self-esteem because no one wants their spouse to be okay with sharing you. Deep down, we all yearn most deeply to be loved and cherished. If your partner is willing to let someone have a piece of you, even if it is only for a short time, that says to you that you are not cherished.

And, again, we can convince ourselves it's okay because you're both doing it and it's a more realistic approach to relationships, or whatever you tell yourself. The fact of the matter is, we can convince ourselves of anything, especially when we have a partner in crime, telling you it's a good thing. It's when you get away from that partner and you see monogamous relationships and how others live that you'll have the pang in your heart telling you, you want more and that you deserve more.